Brits Call for a Temporary Ban on Data Visualization Until We Can Figure Out What the Hell is Going On

Funny story written by Reggie "Rex" Stain

Wednesday, 29 April 2020

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(Oxford, UK) A recent graphic published by Danny Dorling from the University of Oxford, has everyone from the educated knobs to the sweaty wazzocks scratching their heads in bewilderment. Many here have called for a ban on data visualization, or “infographics,” until we can actually figure out what is going on.

We here at The Spoof were, likewise, flummoxed over what this latest infographic was trying to tell us, so we thought we would sample the public to see if they had any clue. Because of the nationwide lockdown, where Boris Johnson ordered all retailers selling non-essential goods to schtum up shop, it was difficult to find a muck or ma’am in a public setting, but wee pubs are allowed to open if they offer takeaways.

We donned our trainers, and put up the appropriate PPE, and hung out on the pavement near the Pig and Whistle in Wandsworth where a queue had formed. Here are some of the responses from people when shown this data visualization:

“What twat came up with that gormless dog's breakfast?”

“That looks fancy, a wonderful tornado to break up the endless days of cloudy grey. Is that the weather forecast?”

“Oh, gander at the colours. It must be some rainbow queer thing made by an uphill gardener still in the wardrobe.”

“Did someone release a COVID version of Snakes and Ladders? I’d play!”

“What is this bollocks? I need summat I can understand when I’m trying to catch up on the tidings whilst eating my battered bangers and mushy peas!”

“Someone lost the plot on this one . . .but this is bad, right?”

“What kind of cocky dog's breakfast is this? Summat done by a git in primary school?”

“Oh, Oxford, probably some pretentious ninny who thinks he’s smarter than everyone else.”

“Makes as much sense as the shite coming out of John Hopkins in the States, that data is bullocks as well!”

Needless to say, this call for a ban of such overblown data visualization is shared by all kinds of people, as those out with the Pig and Whistle can attest. Can we return to a simple bar chart, or better yet, a pie chart. Pie! Hmmmm . . a raised pork and egg gala pie would be good right now to get through this untidiness.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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