Vagrancy and alcoholism to be taught in British schools

Written by Clive Danton

Tuesday, 19 November 2019

image for Vagrancy and alcoholism to be taught in British schools

The government last night outlined plans to include the teaching of vagrancy and the dependency on strong drink as part of the national curriculum in 2020.

A spokesperson for the Department of Education told newsmen: "In the present difficult economic climate, and with many of Britain's youngsters struggling to find work, the government feels it's time to afford these young people the help they need to become hopeless drink-addled shells of human beings, as they spiral inexorably towards an early death due to either depression, liver disease, or constant exposure to the elements.

"Youngsters will be given many handy and invaluable pointers towards spending a miserable, hopeless existence lying in gutters and going to the toilet in their trousers.

"We hope to include valuable lifestyle skills such as choosing a particularly ill-fitting and foetid pair of trousers and selecting the right type of string to hold them up with.

"We will also be offering guidance on a number of other measures necessary to sustain a wretched existence living in the open. These will include shouting aggressively in the faces of passers-by in shopping malls; fighting with yourself in public libraries; and muttering incoherently whilst lying in a subway in a pool of stale piss.

"As children move towards the end of their school tenure and prepare to embark on a life spent battling liver disease and masturbating in bushes, we intend to introduce a few more of the essential prerequisites, such as how best to claim the warmest spot around a burning sofa on a bit of waste ground; rifling through bins; and the care and management of your dog on a piece of string.

"Hopefully, the next generation of stumblebums and chronic juiceheads will then have all the necessary skills under their belts when they embark on a short, degrading life spent wandering the streets, pushing a pram containing all their clothes and a radio with no back to it."

Last night, the Methylated Nomadic Society threw their weight behind the proposal and issued a brief statement: "Yer fuckin' bashtas yersh! I'll tek the fuckin' lot of yersh! Yer me besht mates you are! Fuck yer fuuuuuuuuuck!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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