Badgers from Africa are invading Britain! A group of honey badgers have escaped from Noel Edmonds's' home zoo, and are roaming the Berkshire countryside, forcing the local badger population into hiding.
The honey badger is a ferocious beast, famous for ripping the testicles off much larger animals. They have been known to castrate wildebeest, lions, and even hippos. With their razor-sharp claws and testicle-homing instinct, they are a danger to males of any species.
Zoologist Geoff Vertebrate was concerned. "I'm concerned," he said, spilling cheese sandwich crumbs into his beard. "If these honey badgers are able to form a breeding population, then I'm afraid it's game, sett and match for our native badgers. These monsters must be caught and sent home immediately."
Conservationists are putting their hopes in famously ruthless former Apprentice star Ruth Badger, whose lack of testicles make her an ideal candidate to tackle the menacing invaders. Geoff Vertebrate said, "If we can get some of her urine and spray it around the honey badger populations, then we may be able to contain them, but it's a long shot."