Britain's most skillful shoplifter

Written by Dracula

Thursday, 13 December 2018

image for Britain's most skillful shoplifter
Joel, daan't forget ter nick me sum Alan Whickers

Fatima Bahawalanzai argues ''I gets angry, snooty people complain I 'ave never 'ad a Corn on the bloomin' Cob, 'cause I spent me whole Porridge Knife since childhood workin' 'ard shopliftin' stores."

She is Britain’s most skillful shoplifter, boasting a designer wardrobe the Queen might envy.

Fatima, showed an £800 leather coat from Bentalls of Kensington, a £500 pair of Yves Saint Laurent stilettos and a pair of Christian Dior pumps worth £300, all of which were stolen.

Socially agressive, Fatima Bahawalanzai has made a spiffy £2million from the “business royale” she started aged seven.

She eventually trained some of her fourteen children to steal for her using secret techniques that make Fagin and the Artful Dodger look like amateurs.

To keep out of watchful videos, she walks up against racked up clothing then pockets expensive lipstick in her pocket. She has an extended, homemade, pocket that goes down past her knees to fill up with goods.

She has learned magic at a professional level to make store merchandise disappear from view.

Fatima has enjoyed fine dining, exotic holidays and gigolo gangbangs, yet lives rent-free in a council home, and pockets £556 a month in benefits.

Besides her illicit earnings and her free council apartment, she claims £120 a fortnight in Disability Living Allowance for stress, £20 in weekly Child Benefit and £58 in Child Tax Credits.

Over 40 years of running her “business royale," she was stealing goods worth up to £7,000 a month.

Her take-home came to almost £50,000 a year after paying her trainees. “I just loves money and nah matter 'a much I 'ad, I wants more,” said Fatima.

She said, "I’m not ashamed of wot i’ve done, I’m proud."

"Why would I give up livin' loike an A-lister ter Bo-Peep on a cardboard on the bloomin' streets."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more