Sandringham House, Norfolk - (Ass Mess): Feckless parolee hysterian and serial holocaust denier David Irving has headed straight to Sandringham to join the House of Mountbatten's Winterval festivities after being released from a Viennese jail and receiving an all-expenses paid trip to interview Camilla for her latest hagiography.
Her direct lineage connections to both Nikita Khrushchev and Nazi traitor Von Ribbentrop have proved just too juicy to turn down for the cash-strapped revisionist as he bids to reinvent himself with the help of PR companies whose clients have included Bob Geldof, JK Rowling, Jamie Oliver and the Yorkshire Ripper.
As he tucks into his festive turkey roast in the majesty of the Heinrich Himmler Memorial Dining Room the conversation is bound to be lively as the Mountbatten generations vie for his attention in the hope of being the next Chosen One to receive the full gamut of his literary pretentiousness.
On Boxing Day he may be invited to stay on for the traditional Shoot where non-Aryan looking local oiks are rounded up by the Duke of Edinburgh before being lined up against the silage tank and peppered with the Royal 12-bore.
Tourists have been advised to give the area a wide berth.