Ratatouille two-step

Funny story written by Herrdoktorfox

Thursday, 4 February 2016


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Mona: Lithuanian breast relief champion 2019/20

A man who had previously complained that a rat had 'run up his leg' while he was eating in his local Wetherspoon's pub has been exposed as a fraud.

Dick Soars, 57, was on a blind Internet date with, Mona Lotz, a nubile Lithuanian wench and had arranged to meet her at his local Wetherspoon's pub for a cheap slap up meal as it was steak night.

At first sighting Mona appeared to be everything Dick had hoped for, young, buxum, blond, blue eyed and sporting tits to die for, thus he gave thanks for his newly discovered dating site WWW.easterneurosnatch.com and was confident that he would be getting his end away at last after plying her with a few cheap bevvies.

Unbeknownst to Dick young Mona had been around the block a few times in her native country and made a dubious living out of 'entertaining' fat, balding middle-age men, who she regularly picked up on the net and subsequently fleecing them, Dick of course fitting the bill down to a tee being her first punter since her arrival in the UK.

After a couple of cheap sherbet's Dick could 'sense' Mona was becoming more laid back, all the signs were there, the tossing of her long blond locks, the crossing, uncrossing of her long legs followed by the brushing of hands as they lifted their drinks and her soft laughter at his painfully poxy jokes.

After ordering their Steak n' chip meals, two more drinks and getting change out of a £20, Dick was even more convinced that tonight would be the night he would get that long overdue leg over and could not wait to get his end away.
However, the mere thought of having Mona's legs wrapped tight around his back, plus the effect of three pints of Stella began to stir his swonnicles at an alarming rate and he began to get somewhat aroused.

Unfortunately for Dick things began to accelerate at an alarming rate once their meals arrived, having no sooner shoved a couple of chips in his mouth he suddenly felt something stroking his leg and moving slowly upward toward his groin.

On the pretence of picking up his 'napkin' Dick managed to sneak a peek under the table only to discover that Mona had slipped off one of her black stiletto's and was rubbing his groin with her black stockinged foot! Almost chocking on a soggy chip Dick began to experience an unstoppable erection as Mona picked up the rhythm without batting an eyelid.

Being somewhat well endowed in the nether regions Dick's Sports Soccer training bottoms soon resembles a horizontal tent as his flagpole reach all of 11 inches (or 27.95cm for you purists) and was in danger of erupting!

Dick began to panic at the thought of having to stand up in the crowded pub thus exposing his torrid manhood, it was then he had a brainwave and swiftly yelled out.... "rat!….rat up me feckin' leg!". This had the desired effect as the mere thought of a rat on the loose was enough for the other patrons, all of whom fled the pub in a state of mass panic.

Hastily grabbing one of the oversized menu's Dick was able to cover his erection whilst explaining to the manager what had happened, "I was eating me chips like when this here king size sewer rat run up me leg like" he bemoaned. "The bleeder nicked three of me chips like then shot off out the back door, scared seven barrels of shit outta me and me girlfriend it did!"

Making copious apologies and offering Dick a full refund the manager assured them that such a thing had never occurred before and requested that they remain seated while he arranged a full refund.

However, within a few minutes the manager returned with a security guard disputing Dick's claim of a rat, seemingly the entire episode had been caught on the pubs CCTV including some magnificent up skirt footage of a pantie less Mona!

Needless to say, Dick was firmly chastised by the manager and barred for life, meanwhile; Mona decided to beat a hasty retreat after realising that the CCTV footage might expose her nefarious 'modus operandi' along with her beaver. All of which left Dick with a steaming hard on and no option but to roll his own in the nearest alley or potentially get nicked for public indecency if boarding a number 38 bus home.......you have been warned!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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