Life for Sale

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

image for Life for Sale
Place Your Bets, Folks!

Wall Street New York
Our Financial Times Reporter.
Life has been floated on the US Stocks share market. It opened at a dollar a share. Dividends are rewarded per percentage yield converted into minutes and hours of extra life. It has no basis in reality, of course, but like money itself depends entirely on consensus belief for its existence. Speculators believe that if they can accumulate enough profit they can extend their four score and ten indefinitely. In unison with food racketeers Monsanto, the company that floated it Con. Sheeple has successfully acquired exclusive and indefinite copyright on life as we know it on this planet.
Explained Monsanto CEO Pilfer N' Steel "Science has proven that life is a commodity like any other, a product of evolutionary chance. Ergo, it can be bought or sold. You got a problem with that?"

Converting dividends into extra life is made possible via certificates available at your local bank much like government bonds. The more certificates you accumulate the longer you will live, it is alleged. The company is legally protected from indemnity by their acting lawyers Schillings of London who have been working with Con. Sheeple and its many subsidiaries for many years. George Bush Junior, Barack Obama, J.K. Rowling, Christopher Little, Gordon Brown, Tony Blair and Henry Kissinger are among the board of directors who meet monthly at the Federal Reserve Bank HQ in New York.

'Life Shares' are expected to rise dramatically in the coming months as the Islam versus West conflict begins mysteriously to escalate. The company that floated the share Con. Sheeple Ltd, based in London England refused to disclose how exactly the commodity is produced but says production is limitless and the market looks healthy. "Futures speculation has been rife across the board", explained company director; Justin Thyme: "The Con. Sheeple share is naturally an invisible commodity which saves us a helluva lot on packaging. Money itself is, after all, only a futures entitlement based on consensus belief. That is the real reason why America overseas acts as it does, to give cred to the dollar that has not got an ounce of gold to back it up. Same with Britain. This is no different. Profits are subjective but do engender optimism in the buyer thereby extending his or her life span; but the share is exchangeable in real time which gives it value to seller and buyer alike. We see a bright future indeed for the Life Share. Particularly among Catholics and other occultists. Of course, we all know that billions will not buy you an extra second of life on earth. That's not the point. People have only to believe it can. Back to politics aren't we? There's big bucks to be made there, dude. Cryogeneticists are very interested in Con. Sheeple. The Vatican's Banco Ambrosiano has invested very heavily. Is that an endorsement or what! That should give you some notion of its pedigree and reliability. I am almost tempted to believe in it myself."
Con. Sheeple appears to have an indefinite future... unlike all those who work in it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more