Petticoats and Davy Lamps

Funny story written by T. Loaf

Monday, 25 January 2016

Following the discriminatory wristband scandal in Cardiff, where refugees were required to wear coloured bands to ensure they could be identified by staff serving meals, the government has apologized unreservedly and has introduced measures which, they hope, are more stylish, though critics are sceptical.

Home Secretary, Theresa May, confirmed: "Yes, we need a new agenda with regard to asylum seekers, refugees and aliens in general. The problem is that many of them want to leave their 'camp' or housing, walk around the streets, get some fresh air, meet the locals and enjoy the surroundings. This is a development we hadn't, indeed couldn't, foresee. And of course it is then almost impossible to tell a refugee from a native, especially in Cardiff. I mean, there may even be Welsh people in the refugee supper queues. Unthinkable.....we just had to act."

Since last Friday, wristbands are a no-go. Refugees will now be identified in style.

"Male refugees will be dressed in dinner jackets and a blood red cummerbund, women will wear green and yellow chunky knit cowl neck jumpers from Laura Ashley, while girls will be fitted out in pink petticoats and boys in navy blue and white sailor suits. In addition, all new arrivals will receive a Davy lamp should they venture out at night. That should do the trick," explained May. "It will also boost the local fashion trade. A sort of win-win scenario. David will be so pleased!"

However, some locals are unsure the measures will be effective. "I've got a Davy lamp and sometimes I use it. So, does that mean I'll get sent back to Syria. I mean...I haven't actually been there yet, but...", pointed out Ivor Nydear, spokesman for the 'Cardiff Association for the sensible Welcoming and, at the appropriate time, Return of our Refugee Friends from Overseas and other Places'.
"And another thing...I never had a cummerbund...I'm not jealous, like, but, well..."

Theresa May added: "We're always looking for new solutions. In fact, I think for the women, tassel waterfall cardigans might do the job just as well as a cowl neck jumper. Decisions, decisions...Still, that's why you elected me..."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more