Furious upper-class families have blasted a Laurence Llewelyn-Ballsack giant 'Magical Inner Journey' grotto as it shut after one day amid claims Santa was a boozy, fornicating bastard, elves participated in a yuletide orgy and swore at sobbing kids!
The Christmas theme park - thrown together by the TV Changing Rooms 'star' behind the Rutting Stag pub in affluent Cheam - was condemned by parents paying up to £100.99 per child as an unfinished, cheerless shit hole with horny staff and an unsafe portaloo.
Hundreds of posh folk who flocked there at the weekend demanded refunds - and told how kids' presents were wrapped up in old Daily Mail newspapers and were like something from the 99p shop! One irate punter complaining that his daughter, Phillipa aged 7 received a DIY pregnancy kit even though she was already on the pill and that his son; Tarquin aged 9 a packet of 3 wafer thin condoms.
Angry posh boy Basil Uppington-Bowels added: "I'm sure I heard Santa say, 'Have a fucking shit Christmas you rich ponce' as he exposed his rather bountiful todger in my direction as I was leaving.
"I had to explain to my sixteen year old daughter Wilhelmina that Santa doesn't usually expose himself or use foul language when he visits us on Christmas Eve, mind you, knowing my daughter I rather think she would prefer it if he did."
American Melanie Jeggs-Manhattan, 59 explained how the rickety train ride was akin to having multiple orgasms and how she had to be dragged off screaming before any children could witness her wild behaviour; "darlings it was just so intense the best blast I've had since my first lay back in 70'
Wealthy customer, Hyacinth Minge, 49 and her twin daughters, Imogene and Cordelia aged 12 were treated to the ungodly sight of half a dozen mixed gender midget elves having an orgy in the grotto. "My good god, it was like a scene from Caligula, backsides, breasts and flying hot suet everywhere!" cried Hyacinth. My daughters barely had time to record it all on their iPhones before my husband intervened, the spoilsport. And as for Santa, dear god in heaven I swear he had nothing on under that red coat, I mean the size of it, truly breathtaking, luckily I managed to get his number before my husband, Oswald demanded that we head home.
Phileas Jenks-Smyth, 67 was appalled by the toilet facilities: "Primitive dear boy, utterly primitive having nipped off for a dump I noted a rather conspicuous hole in the wall of the loo, suddenly some bally cretin stuck his main piece through the hole and whispered chew on this rich boy! To make matters worse there was no bally toilet paper available; it was a ghastly experience indeed and furthermore some odious fool had even written 'glory hole' on the wall, must be mad if you ask me!"
Event director Sydney Shingles announced that refunds would be forthcoming as it was clear to him that 'fair warning' of this being an adults only theme park were not ably displayed and besides which these rich tossers should have realised what to expect by the name of the Park.
Meanwhile, Larry Llewelyn-Ballsack was unavailable for comment as he is in the Seychelles over the Christmas period and was smoking a rather tasty bong at time of our call according to his houseboy.