Written by Jack Allen

Friday, 20 June 2014

image for Johnson Away: Boris Caught On Tinder

London's worst kept secret is out as the world now knows that Boris Johnson is a regular user of fuck free-for-all application Tinder.

The news ironically broke to groans across the country, with Boris's scheduled appearances being cancelled, as well as his dubious online profile. It has quickly become clear that Boris has liaised with a sizeable portion of London, some on a regular basis, thanks to the controversial, God sent app.

The Tinder app lets you say yes or no to prospective fuck buddies through viewing an uploaded picture. When a match occurs you can then arrange to meet and have shameful sex with the least attractive one in the picture.

With some recipients of Boris's Johnson already coming forward, it is clear that he was not the fussiest Tinder user, even when compared to the low standards set by other users. The most attractive woman has been described on Twitter as "a post-stroke Rosie O'Donnell", and the least being "an elderly Susan Boyle with a lumberjack beard around her muff". Boris and his wife are yet to comment on what will happen next, but an urgent trip together to the doctors for the pair seems the most sensible first step to make.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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