Why You Should Vote for Chris Christie for President

Written by Samuel Vargo

Thursday, 30 October 2014


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Okay, I like Chris Christie. The main reason I like the guy is because he's big and fat, just like me. In a land that's filled with dysfunctional dipshit politics, is that such a bad reason? Am I being too shallow? Too trite? Too outrageous?

And I like Christie because he's done something about his weight problem. The governor of New Jersey has managed to knock off about 100 pounds or so in the last year; quite unlike me, who's just happened to gain about that much in the past year. But I haven't smoked cigarettes for nearly two years. And something's going on good in my lungs these days. I can feel it.

I have a large picture of Chris Christie on my desk. Two pictures, actually. One of them is the "before" photo, where he probably weighs in at a rotund 800 pounds. And sitting next to it is another pic, the "after" photo, of Gov. Christie clocking in at a svelte, trim, 400 pounds of politico wolverine.

Like Buddha, another real heavyweight, is credited of saying: "A Man who Conquers himself is greater than a man who conquers a thousand men in battle." - Yep, Gov. Christie, I'm impressed, and by this time next year, I want to shed at least 155 pounds. You're my role model.

I click and clack away all day and all night at my PC and when I give my eyes a break, sometimes I peer at these two photos of the big guy from New Jersey. He's a power of example to me to want to shed some of this weight. It's true, if Christie gives up all aspirations of politics, he could very easily become a sumo wrestler. That's a given. And it's always good to have a profession to hop into if your chosen work somehow implodes.

I, too, have that option of becoming a sumo. I could very easily qualify by my weight alone. And in my younger years, I just happened to get a second-degree black belt in Kenpo karate. No lie. That's something to put on the "sumo wrestler" resume, at least.

But no, I don't want to go that route. I want to shed this weight. That's why voting for Chris Christie for President in 2016 is such a big deal to me. He's my hero. He's truth in action. He's a guy who's conquered his own personal food cravings and the proof's in the pudding. He's now a trim, lean, mean, political-fighting machine.

I remember, a couple years ago, Christie got into some kind of scandal for wanting to blow up a bridge that connects New York and the Garden State. Was it the George Washington Bridge? The Robert E. Lee Bridge? The William Tecumseh Sherman Bridge? Who in the hell knows. Like most Americans, I've got a pretty quick 'forgetter' area in my brain.

Something along these lines, anyhow. It was a bridge, this much is for certain. . .but wait a minute, was it a skyscraper or a barge dock? For the life of me, I cannot remember. Anyhow, I think I even wrote a story about it, with all the sordid details, right here on The Spoof. Jeezy wheezie, I've written so many stories here that I tried the other day to locate my Chris Christie/GWB/defrocked priest article on my archived pages. For the life of me, I just couldn't track it down.

I'll try again next week, but by then, Mark will probably have this story up and flying. He's quick on the draw, and if The Spoof editor opts for a career change, I'd suggest Mark try his hand at being a Wild West gunslinger. Maybe even a blackjack dealer in Lost Wages, oh, I mean, Las Vegas.

Meanwhile, those frauds and charlatans, Jimmy Fallon and Bruce Springsteen, did that hideous parody of Chris Christie singing "Born to Run" (click: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKHV0LLvhXM) shortly after the Christie-GWB scandal burst into national headline news.

The other day I played that video about a dozen times, scowling at those two sniveling weasels - Fallon and Springsteen. Then I sharpened my kitchen knives with a whetting stone and a mean-spirited vengeance.

Man, what freaks Jimmy Fallon and Bruce Springsteen are! What braying jackasses!

How did Fallon even get his own talk show? He's about as funny as a weasel looking for a winter rabbit hole to hibernate in - and even Chelsea Handler is in the "comic genius" class when compared to this self-absorbed Jimmy Fallon imposter. They put him on really late at night to aid the insomniacs get a bit of sleep before the 5 a.m. mark comes crashing in on them, that's it. This has to be the reason! Subliminal sleepy time for Suzy and Fred.

And really, did Springsteen make one solitary song that was worthy of any airplay at all? What's all the mutherfucking hoopla about calling this marchbanks "The Boss"? Why are his songs played over and over again and nobody ever plays a tune by The Bloody Muffs? Why in the hell don't these weasel D.J's play "Blue Waffle Breakfast," "Drunk Tank," "Toothy Vagina," "People Suck," and "Seven Year Bitch" by the Bloody Muffs? Throw all those Bruce Springsteen recordings into the radio station dumpster out back and let's rid ourselves of the Bruce Juice era!

If I hear that sloppy, hound-dogged, hangnail tune "Born in the USA" or "I'm on Fire", by this Springsteen fellow one more time, I'm sharpening up my chainsaw. I'm at my wit's end with this sensationalized "classic rock" tripe.

There's also some talk about Christie doing away with all social programs like Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Obamacare etc. etc. Well if Hill and Bill are back in the White House, my God, man, think of the horrid dynamics that would ensue! Have pity on those poor office girls, if Slick Willy's running around the halls of the White House looking for prey.

And there's also some squawk about Christie being a mere puppet for these Koch Brothers guys, who have tons of cash and have some very extreme, right-wing political views. Come on! Do you think this alpha male werewolf, this Chris Christie, is going to be a pawn for anyone? I don't think so. . . .

If I'm electing a President, I want someone that has the presence of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. I want my guy to be imposing and threatening enough to stand up to Russia's Putin and not be afraid to throw the first sucker punch. And this big fatso from New Jersey, this guy impresses me. Sure he's a bully, but on the International scene these days, there are some very good reasons to have a big brawler like Christie on your fighting side.

Chris Christie, you go, big fella. Count me in on voting at least one 'R' in the 2016 Presidential election. And although I'll most likely vote straight "D" for the rest of the ticket, you've got my little itsy bitsy vote of confidence. And even though you might throw my ass in a concentration camp for my whacked-out radical views, I'll certainly have a big poster of you on the wall of my gulag's enclosure. Hey, is there any way I can get a signed copy?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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