Doctor: Gov. Christie Healthier But Still A Bastard

Written by Cool Papa Bell

Friday, 18 April 2014


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A recent medical report from the family physician of New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie indicates the healthier GOP presidential candidate is still "big boned ... really big boned" but now likely wouldn't doze off after a big meal at diplomatic functions.

Dr. Emil Skoda of Secaucus said Christie has shown great improvement in his health since undergoing gastric bypass more than a year ago. Some had questioned his fitness to be president because of his weight.

"He's still a really mean bastard, but we can't blame that on his weight anymore," said Skoda.

Skoda, speaking with Christie's permission, said the New Jersey governor did not want to be known as the second coming of William Howard Taft, who weighed about 315 pounds when he was in the White House.

"It was the fourth helpings that really made Governor Christie put the pounds on," said Skoda. "I heard Taft could consume a whole roasted chicken in 5 minutes. Well, the governor could take down a whole chicken coop in 5 minutes."

Skoda wouldn't say how much Christie has lost but it should be obvious to everyone that it is a significant amount.

"His fitness to be president was never in question," said Skoda. "His fitness to stand for 10 minutes at a presidential press conference was."

Skoda said now that Christie has trimmed down, he has encouraged him to work out nude in front of a full-length mirror.

"That will allow him to pretend he's being viewed by the American public. It will help him gain confidence in his appearance. He may want to even bring Richard Simmons in for some pointers," said Skoda.

As his weight has gone down so has his popularity, primarily because of the Bridgegate scandal. Christie's approval rating among New Jersey voters has dropped nine points. And just as many residents classify him as a bully as they do a leader.

"OK, he's a Republican, not a Disney character. If you want sweet and folksy, go find another Jimmy Carter somewhere," said Skoda. "If you want someone who will drop a bomb when some crazy foreign world leader pokes fun at his weight or gets under his skin, that's Governor Christie."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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