Hysterical Woman, Not Christie Causes Bridgegate

Written by Keith Shirey

Saturday, 29 March 2014


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So, as we all know, there was a huge traffic jam episode on a N.J. bridge that Governor Chris Christie's associates cooked up to embarrass the mayor in Fort Lee whose constitutants would suffer from unnecessary lane closures. That mayor had not endorsed Christie for governor and needed to be punished.

But was it only the Gov.'s cronies who were to be blamed for disastrous traffic jam? Since all of the higher-ups on Gov. Christie's staff were involved the question has boiled down to how could he not know about it?

According to an inquiry commissioned by Christie and run by his own lawyer pals, he evidently did know about the lane closings that cause the traffic jam. The investigators say that one of the Governor's buddies could have told him about it (they even have a time, place and date) but that since Christies doesn't remember the conversation, the pals concluded, it didn't take place!

So, who do these lawyers hired by Christie to investigate the scandal at public expense find to have caused the bridge fiasco?

A woman, of course! Always, cherchez la femme!

She is Bridget Anne Kelly, who was Christie's deputy chief of staff, and who the Gov.has fired. Kelley has had the details of her love life dredged up by the inquiry. The report delves deeply into her personal life and states that "a relationship she had had cooled," implies the break-up caused emotional distress and further implies that it was responsible for the bridge closing.

"Events in Kelly's personal life may have had some bearing on her subjective motivations and state of mind," says the report written by Christie's hired hands.

But wait, there's more! As the New York Times describes it, the report "doubles down on a strategy of portraying Ms. Kelly as duplicitous, weeping frequently and dependent on men for approval and stability."

So it was break-up depression, female hysteria, and male dependency (perhaps she was having her period when the lanes closed?) that caused the huge fiasco at the Fort Lee Bridge, not Chris Christie's usual pay back against people who piss him off like the Fort Lee Mayor.

Several other investigations of the bridge lane closings are underway. Perhaps they will use the insights of the ancient Greeks and apply them to Bridget Anne Kelly. The Greeks believed that the constant mood swings and erratic behavior of women which was referred to as "hysteria," made them unable to make rational decisions.

The "Displaced Uterus" was a familiar term that went hand in hand with "Hysteria" in women. It was an ancient Greek belief that "a displaced uterus" needed to be corrected. That would make a woman a bit less moody and irrational.

Maybe one of the new inquires will hold that if Bridget Anne Kelly had had her uterus' wrong positioning corrected the bridge land closures would have never occurred.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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