Astronaut Nigel Armstrong was this morning recovering at the serious burns unit in Norwich South Infirmary. After a malfunction caused Armstrong, dubbed "The Man In The Moon", to come down too soon, he inexplicably asked several bystanders the way to Norwich.
Despite being advised to take the North Road due to a consignment of heavy lorries which were at the time transporting food from Newcastle to Norwich South canning factory, he mistakenly went by the south and burned his mouth, eating cold Pease Porridge (localised burning can occur with the cold product due to the high concentration of spices). Fortunately Jack and Jill, workers at the nearby Smedley-Morton canning factory were in the vicinity. Jack and Jill promptly went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
All three wound up in hospital after Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Soon afterwards up Jack got and home did trot as fast as he could caper. Weakening rapidly, he then went to bed to mend his head with an application consisting of vinegar and brown paper. Humpty Dumpty, an obese egg, fell from a nearby wall while trying to photograph the series of accidents. When paramedics arrived on the scene however, he was recognised as Paparazzi and told by Armstrong to fuck off due to enough people having had nasty falls in one day.