Queen Lizard II found herself at the centre of a media storm last night after it was revealed that she did not know how to spell the name of the once popular Lancashire seaside town, Morecambe. Palace sources admitted the monarch's blunder but played down it's alleged impact on tourism to the area.
"It's true that HRH has always spelt the name of the town phonetically.In other words, she was unaware that there was a "B" in the title. She is a bit thick, that way and still doesn't understand. However, we do not believe the town can have suffered any true detriment".
MONARCH SAID TO HAVE "PERSONALLY" TRASHED TOURISM HOTSPOT
Shocked local councillors have raced to condemn the royal error and the town's Mayor has claimed that Morecambe's ability to attract tourists has been permanently damaged. The town hall supremo issued the following statement:-
"We were always told the town's tourist trade went to pot for being not very nice and because you can't even get a decent fish supper here. That plus it's always raining; there is no beach to speak of and the sea is so radioactive, it has killed off all the marine life and the lives of most other small animals. But not a bit of it, for now we discover the true reason for the town's decline is attributable to the fact that people can no longer locate the place and have, in fact, forgotten it's very existence. None of the sat-nav's work because people have taken their lead from their monarch. In other words, they have been leaving the "B" out of their address searches. It's the same when they use multi-map or any of the other online route finders.This Queen's inexcusable illiteracy has trashed the hell out of this once great town".
QUEEN MAY AS WELL HAVE WARNED TOURISTS OFF WITH CLAIMS OF VD EPIDEMIC
Another local politician went much further, suggesting that the Queen might as well have told people that if they went to Morecambe, they would contract syphilis and other sexually transmitted diseases of that nature, if not Bubonic Plague and Foot and Mouth Disease. Meanwhile, the Leader of the Town Council made the following claim last night:-
"The effect all this has had on tourism has proved to be every bit as devastating as it would have been if the dreadful old bat had driven up here personally for the purposes of picketing the border with Lancaster. It is no exaggeration to say that she might just as well have erected a sign with a big red X on it, along with the message Morecame (sic) is Radioactive!!!! Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here I don't care if I am locked in the tower and hanged by the neck until dead for saying so. Because it's the truth".
QUEEN'S APPARENT SHOCK ADMISSION OF ARSON RESPONSIBLE FOR LOSS OF PIER.
This fresh controversy reawakened decades old rumours that Britain's Lizard Queen was responsible for the loss of Morecambe pier during the controversial pyromaniac phase of her reign. It is known that in her younger days, the wild-girl royal was treated privately for the rare arsonist's condition which, much like haemophilia, runs in the blood-lines of all major European dynasties, as a result of centuries of indiscriminate incest.
QUEEN LIZARD SAID TO HAVE FINISHED WHAT HER GRANDFATHER STARTED
It is widely acknowledged that the first pavilion of the famous old structure was destroyed by fire on July 31st 1933 when the current queen's granddad George V threw an undistinguished cigarette into a waste bin full of very dry paper and then stood at a safe distance in order to watch as the structure burn to the ground. Queen Lizard, inspired by the fire-bug antics of her relatives and predecessors, is said to have decided she would finish the job one Easter Sunday night in 1991. She was later seen out in public in a T Shirt bearing the slogan "FUCK MORECAME PIER. ONE HAS BURNT THAT BAD BOY DOWN!". When asked about this incident at the time, the defiant monarch famously shocked witnesses when she responded to their enquiries about the event by exclaiming that "Fires are pretty, Morecambe Pier is not. In fact it was a monstrous carbuncle and total shite". She was later heard to tell friends;
"It was a no-brainer. One suggests our allegedly loyal subjects eat shit and die instead of moaning about this. Being Queen means doing whatever the fuck one wants, except vote. The nation should be grateful one didn't torch the Eiffel Tower on a particularly high foot traffic day. Believe one, we thought about it. Then there would have been a war with France, which would have given all those stupid, whinging losers something real to worry about."
LOCAL HISTORIAN LAMENTS MISSED OPPORTUNITY.
In terms of the actual wording emblazoned on the tear-away monarch's T-shirt, an unnamed local historian has recently pointed to the garment in question as an early clue that Queen Lizard was completely oblivious to the silent "B" in the name of the town and has expressed outrage that nothing was done about it at the time. Said the local expert, who asked to remain anonymous:-
"Why was the spelling mistake on her T-shirt not pointed out to the Queen in 1991? It's one thing to lose a pier but the long-term carnage caused to the local economy by the missing "B" is a far more serious matter. It is little wonder that the town is so difficult to locate and no bugger has even heard of us any more.... and yet it was all so avoidable".
PM's are set to debate the misspelling scandal in an emergency session scheduled for Tuesday tomorrow afternoon.
