Kate Expectations: The Sequel

Funny story written by Herrdoktorfox

Thursday, 29 May 2014


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That well known 'sword-swallower' and Prince Haribo's nocturnal poke, Kate, the Duchess of Crumpet is said to be absolutely delighted with the current global press 'exposure' of her pert, tight anus.

As befits the Royal harlot this 'accident' was nicely executed upon arrival-ironically-'down-under' by way of her specially designed flimsy dress which was guaranteed to blow asunder, had she even farted, thus revealing a minuscule-thong, the latter tighter than a French cheese cutter!

The Duchess, or 'knee-spreader Kate' as she was known during her hedonistic days at the University of St Andrews in Fife, would regularly go commando in order to entice the University gardener to smuggle in deep fried Mars Bars in return for a quick flash of her beaver.

Upon leaving University Kate tended to bum around, literally and metaphorically, until hitting upon the idea of snagging a Royal halfwit, thus sealing her fate as a respectable parasite. Having settled upon gullible Prince William despite Palace rumours that he suffered severe Erectile Dysfunction and tended to bat for the other side, Kate accepted his proposal of marriage.
Besides which, she had long since sussed out that Willies bastard sibling, Prince Haribo was all man in more ways than one. A proven fact after glowing reports from the Royal slapper sisters, Beatrice and Eugenie who informed Kate that Haribo was hung like a fucking donkey!

Prior to the Royal Wedding young Kate was enjoying a wonderful courtship with the world media whilst also enjoying some hot, frantic sex with Prince Haribo while Wills was playing with his chopper on active duty! By the time the big day arrived the soon-to-be Duchess of Crumpet was the original belle of the ball and beloved by the entire world.

This love affair was soon to be shattered upon the arrival of her sister, Pippa, who on Kate's big day stole her thunder by way of displaying the most lusted after derriere the world has ever known. Within minutes of Pippa's delectable anus hitting the front pages of the world press Kate was, for the time being, forgotten.

She was furious that her shapely sister had usurped her big day and even more incensed when she caught Prince Haribo giving Pippa a good seeing to in the servants toilets at Buckingham Palace during her reception!

From that moment on young Kate vowed to regain her tabloid crown and after numerous clandestine meetings with aged Royal slapper supreme, Camilla Porker-Bowels, she was given a lifetime of advice from the old hag.

However, the fickle finger of fate was working another kind of mischief, namely the Royal demand that Kate produce a baby parasite sooner rather than later, no easy task given Prince Willies lack of sexual prowess. After umpteen attempts at mounting Kate which resulted in Wills falling off the bed,, copious supplies of Viagra, a steady supply of porno DVD's from Phil the Greek's private collection and a few injections poor old Wills could neither rise to the occasion or fire off any hot suet. Thus, Kate's plans were temporarily scuppered.

Having long since forgiven Price Haribo his numerous indiscretions with her willing, horny sister and being in dire need of a good seeing to herself, Kate resumed her secret dalliances with Haribo behind her husband's back. It was during one of these frantic sexual couplings that lady luck intervened by way of a split condom while Haribo was attempting to do Kate doggie style over the TV one night.

Within a few week's Kate discovered that she was up the Royal duff, much to the delight of both Liz and Phil, the latter having wagered a large bet at Paddy Power on his idiot grandson actually being able to knock her up!
As is the case in Royal circles the real father was kept a secret from all but a few close confidants and especially Prince Wills who, to this day cannot understand how Kate has had a 'virgin birth' but has been assured by his sibling, Haribo, that 'you done good bro'.

As Kate started to pile on the pounds she became more and more miserable and paranoid and hated the endless photos of herself waddling around like a beached pilchard, besides which she missed Haribo's nocturnal rooting sessions.

After what seemed like an eternity the Royal brat, Damien (Mark 4) finally arrived and nobody was more relieved that Kate who could now get herself back into shape courtesy of a Kerry Katona drug and fag free weight loss DVD free in the Daily Sport!

Within weeks Kate was her usual skinny self again and able to slip into her size six dresses and 30A bra's that Phil the Greek had borrowed from her in order to play 'dress-ups' with his French manservant Andre.
With Damien 4 now getting all the media exposure Kate decided it was time to commence the belated 'Plan A' originally hatched between her and the raddled crone Camilla Porker-Bowels.

Kate immediately embarked upon a wild shopping spree at Primark buying up any and all flimsy summer dresses available in readiness for the upcoming 'Damien World Tour 2014', each dress was guaranteed to rise up in the slightest breeze including any Royal farts. To compliment the dresses suitable underwear, or lack thereof, was necessary and Kate had been advised by 'Clammy' to go for the micro-thong. "When the dress blows up darhling, and believe you me it will, you will be giving the illusion that you are going commando sweetie, the press will love it!"

The rest, as they say is history and to this day whenever Katie is appearing in public she makes absolutely sure the press get a good 'bare-ass' shot which in turn will keep her in the public eye day in, day out. Should the public tire of her ass then Kate will immediately instigate 'Plan B', the total removal of all underwear which she hopes will afford the press with a perfect shot of her Vajazzled Vagina and make the front pages of the Times Newspaper or, at very least, page 3 of The Catholic Herald.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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