Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 4 November 2013

image for U.S. Government issued with ASBO and Internet Ban by South London Borough
No way U.S.A.

The tiny London borough of Balham made international headlines today when it persuaded a south London magistrate to issue an Anti-Social Behaviour Order and Internet ban on the U.S. government and all of its agencies including the infamous N.S.A. News of the ASBO immediately had baffled White House officials scratching their heads and consulting their school atlases.

A beaming council member Alderman Arthur Geezer made a statement on the steps of the court.

"Cor blimey, it's been a hell of a day but we pulled it off. Today Balham Borough Council has struck a blow for freedom, freedom from the prying eyes of the bleedin' Yanks and their NSA spooks with their illegal spying. I mean, is it their business if you or I use dating websites or like to look at Japanese schoolgirls online? What do you mean, you don't? No of course I don't either. Ahem! Anyway, we've taught 'em a lesson and from now on if any U.S. civil servant or bureaucrat accesses the Internet or even sends a single email, it will be contempt of court and we'll be down on them with a ton of shit. Tomorrow I'll be jetting off to Washington to make sure all their computers are disconnected from the web. Now, who's coming to the Stoat and Gobbler for a pint of Old Dogfarter?"

On receipt of a faxed copy of the ASBO at the White House, bewigged Secretary of State John Kerry was called away from a scheduled toupee grooming appointment to make an emergency statement to the assembled Washington press corps.

"Now as you all know, the United States of America is a law abiding nation, apart from those extra judicial killings by drones in Afghanistan and Pakistan, but they don't count. We view this unprecedented action by Balham council very seriously and consider it as an unwarranted attack on the human rights of the American people. This is not something which you expect from friends and we will be immediately taking this case to the International Court of Justice where we expect to win an appeal against this ludicrous decision and if we don't win then we'll ignore it anyway."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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