Tories to introduce "Free Hospitals"

Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 21 October 2013

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Following the unbridled success of screwball Education Secretary Michael Gove's Free Schools programme with its falling standards and vanity projects, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, Murdoch sycophant and confirmed homeopathy fan, announced today a crash timetable for the introduction of what he termed as "Free Hospitals".

Standing outside the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead, the swivel eyed Hunt (that's Hunt without the "c") appeared before the alcohol sodden Fleet Street hacks to make his statement.

"The Prime Minister and Education Secretary are proud of the success of his free school programme whereby any rich smug bastard, religious lunatic or know it all Tory simpleton who knows better than education professionals how to run a school can do so without interference from the state. All right, so it might mean that the untrained teachers working there don't know what the fuck they are doing and the customers, sorry children might be instructed in crackpot religious theories and might not be able to read and write but at least they are free from the Big Brother of the state.

"Now I have decided that it is time for the public to have the opportunity to run the health service as it sees fit, so I am going to roll out a similar programme of free hospitals starting here at the aptly named Royal Free Hospital. Let's face it, the health service has been in the wrong hands since 1948, bloody hell, all those doctors and nurses what do they know about turning a profit? Sorry, I mean running a hospital. I already have lots of interested parties who want to work with local communities wishing to run their own hospitals and just like the schools they will be entirely hands off when it comes to the Department of Health, free to employ any quack or semi-trained idiot with a GCSE in homeopathy.

"New hospitals planned so far are the Dewhurst Butchers Infirmary, Richard Branson's Virgin Women's Hospital and the McDonalds Hospital for Eating Disorders. Applications have also been received for the Screwfix and B&Q Hospital for Orthopaedics and the Prayer Is The Answer Religious Hospital.

"There will however be the occasional inspection visit from a new regulatory organisation which I am setting up: the Office for UK Hospitals or OFFUKH, if they can be arsed."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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