After failing to demonstrate an understanding of averages, Secretary of State for Education Michael Gove has defied critics by completing a series of maths problems, aimed at 4-5 year-old children. He added and subtracted with ease, and even tackled a multiplication problem without breaking too much of a sweat.
"It was incredible" said an onlooker "He managed to ascertain that if you have five apples and you eat two of them, then three will be left. He didn't even have the apples in front of him - it was all in his head."
A spokesperson for the Conservative Party said "We sincerely hope this reassures all those who were losing faith in the Right Honourable Member Gove's abilities to organize and understand primary education. With this exercise, he has admirably demonstrated that he is fully functioning at the level of a Reception-aged child. The display of intelligence shown here was surprising to all, even those of us who thought we knew just how intelligent he was already. For a long time, Britain has felt that we are lagging behind our world powers in the intellectual capacities of our politicians. But now we can assuredly say that we have found Britain's answer to George W. Bush"
Even the opposition party admitted that they were impressed by Mr Gove's feat. Said Ed Milliband, Labour Party leader, "We take back anything we might have said that was demeaning to Mr Gove. With this amazing display of numeracy, he has astounded us all. I fully admit to slagging him off in the House of Commons Bar after hours, and I even shared derogatory photos of him on Facebook that compared him to a turtle stuck on a pole. But I sincerely hope we can put all that behind us and move on in a partnership of partnerly togetherness."
Buoyed by his success, Mr Gove plans to next tackle literacy by proving that he can read a whole "Topsy and Tim" book aloud, with help only on the really difficult words. Following that, he will demonstrate competency in a number of other primary-level tasks, such as scoring a goal on the football field whilst striped woodland creatures move the posts about.
With such intellectual power at the helm of the education system, Britain has a bright future. We can confidently predict that this generation will indeed "transcend the circumstances of their birth" as Mr Gove has.
