Isle of Wight News - House thieves target the island

Funny story written by IainB

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

image for Isle of Wight News - House thieves target the island
Ventnor Street in Ryde, before the house thieves took number 17.

Newport police are asking residents of the whole Isle of Wight to be vigilant until they capture some rogue house thieves targeting the island.

"There has been a sudden spate of house thefts recently," said Detective inspector Jenn Darme, who has been put in charge of the investigation. "Residents are returning home after a hard day of work, or a brief holiday, to find that their house has been stolen."

Police believe that the houses are being stolen to order, as after checking all the usual subjects, they've been unable to locate the stolen houses.

"We've had a word with house fences," said Darme. "And some house privets, but sadly there's no word on the street. Nor house."

Other usual outlets for flogging stolen houses, such as RightMove, and WeBuyAnyHouse, are completely devoid of the properties.

"In one audacious theft," said Darme, "the thieves managed to steel a mid-terraced house whilst the neighbours slept on! This shows remarkable deftness, and proves the thieves are operating in utter silence. Especially as Mrs De Portment, one of the neighbours of the stolen house, will wake at the sound of Larry the Pin Juggler dropping one of his pins from four doors down."

Houses have been stolen right across the island, with thefts reported in Ryde, Cowes, Newport and Yarmouth.

Police have some advice for residents worried about their own home being stolen.

"We suggest getting a good quality house alarm," said Darme. "One with a movement sensor."

Additionally, Home Watch societies are springing up in all major towns, so that neighbours can keep an eye on each others houses.

"We suspect that anybody capable of stealing a house should not be approached," said Darme. "Although they might seem quite approachable. While approaching them, they could very well steal the house of the one approaching them. They're that good."

Meanwhile, police have asked the people of the mainland to keep an eye out for any cheap Isle of Wight housing on offer down the local pub.

"If anybody comes offering you a great deal on a sea-front property in Birmingham," said Darme, "report them at once. It could be my aunt's."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more