Dennis is not a Menace

Funny story written by IainB

Thursday, 30 May 2013


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Led Dennis - this is your life.

Les Dennis, he of Family Fortunes fame, has approached the police demanding to know why he has not been arrested as part of Operation Yew Tree.

"This is an outrage," said Dennis. "All of the people I've worked with through the years have been arrested, and I've been missed out. I'm always overlooked. I was even overlooked when they did Les Dennis, This is My Life. All my friends were on that show. I guess it won't get a repeat now, given they've all been arrested."

Les Dennis wasn't the first choice for Family Fortunes, but after the previous fifteen people had all turned it down, Dennis's agent and father, Denis Dennis, remembered about Les, and gave him a call to see if he was available. Which he was. The rest is history, but not a history that anybody remembers. Dennis was married to the very memorable Amanda Holden, but divorced her when she had an affair with Neil Morrisey, although Holden maintains she'd forgotten she was married.

"I wondered why I had a wedding ring," she'd said at the time.

Denis Dennis has a handy trick for remembering about his son. "It's fairly easy," said Denis Dennis. "Whenever I meet somebody called Mavis, it reminds me. Sadly it's not a common name. Who are we talking about again?"

"I've written to Detective Jenn D'Arm," said Dennis, "and demanded that I be arrested and named in the media. I didn't even get in the newspaper when I did I'm a Celebrity, Honest I Am. Everybody else on that show did, but not me. I didn't even get evicted from the Big Brother house, but the producers had forgotten I was there. I should have won that really."

The police did not immediately respond to Dennis's letter, and he had to spend a week sat on the end of D'Arm's desk before she realised he was waiting to see her.

Dennis provided the police with a long list of people he claims should have sexual grievances against him, however, when the police eventually remembered to investigate the claims, not one of the woman (all of whom would have been aged twenty-three and three quarters at the times of the alleged molestation) could remember ever having met Dennis, never mind having sex with him.

"Apparently," said Winifred Guillemot, "Les Dennis slept with me in 1987. Is he the one who makes all those fire engines?"

Police have not released Dennis without being charged, as he was never detained without being charged. He does, however, remain in the police station until they do something about his heinous past.

"If I can remember where he is," said Jenn D'Arm, "I'll have security throw him out."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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