Isle of Wight News - DNA: Dogs Not Allowed

Funny story written by IainB

Sunday, 24 March 2013

image for Isle of Wight News - DNA: Dogs Not Allowed
It wasn't me! You didn't see me, you can't prove a thing!'ve got my DNA. Ooops.

In a bold move, the Isle of Wight councillor, David Pugh, has elected to spend his twenty-million pound lottery win on putting every dog on the island onto a doggy DNA database.

"I was going to buy a bigger house," he said. "However, I already have the biggest house on the island. And when I stood in a great steaming dog turd while perambulating along Ventnor seafront, I knew how to spend the cash."

The plan Pugh has proposed, is to DNA test every pile of dog poo and link it to the original dog, thus allowing the owner to be fined two thousand pounds, and raise money for the council.

"People did say, why not just donate the twenty-million to the council," said Pugh. "But this is an ongoing revenue source, that could give back more than twenty million in the long run. I mean, they'd only blow the cash on putting a new swing in Wooton Park or something. And you only need to fine a thousand dog owners, and you've made two million. Common sense to me."

Supporters of the scheme are hopeful that this new scheme will answer once and for all, what makes dog poo white, and why don't you see it around any more.

Opponents to the scheme, mainly dog owners, have pointed out a number of flaws. Firstly, using DNA to distinguish between dogs is difficult, due to the amount of shared DNA within dog types.

"One poodle," said poodle owner, Charles Spaniel, "is genetically very similar to another. Telling them apart will be difficult."

Despite the objection, the council are going ahead with the scheme, and have already DNA profiled their first pile of poop, ready for the Doggy Database to be completed.

"Amazingly," said DNA analyst Jack Russell, "we discovered that the doggy poo contained traces of horse DNA!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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