West Ham United have been awarded preferred bidder status for the Olympic stadium and are now to be known as Olympique Ham*.
The Hammers have been given the green light to enter negotiations to acquire the stadium after they beat off stiff competition from London giants Leyton Orient.
It is thought preference was given to West Ham due to the superb sporting knowledge and insight of managing director Karen Brady. "The acquisition of the Olympic stadium will allow us to take West Ham to the next level", she said. "Hammers fans can soon justifiably expect a high-placed finish in the medal haul table."
"In Andy Carrol and Kevin Nolan we already have a couple of excellent hammer-throwers so we would be expecting gold in that event. Big Sam can take part in his beloved darts if that's an Olympic sport and if not there's always javelin, I mean that's basically darts, but in giant form, right?"
"And with Carlton Cole I think we have a potential long jumper. I'm always hearing the fans advising him to 'take a run and jump' so they obviously know he's got something there."
Renaming the club in the French speaking tradition of the Olympics is also the brainchild of business genius Brady, who is married to Port Vale, Birmingham, Sheffield United and Canada legend Paul Peschisolido. Famously described once by someone as 'the best thing to come out of Canada since dry ginger ale.'
The most famous Canadian plying his trade on these shores nowadays of course is QPR's Junior Hoilett, who was brought over to English football as a young lad by his father, Senior Hoilett.
*not to be mistaken for the Lidl brand of the same name.
