'McNab's Kebabs' in the leafy village of Little Divot has been identified as the source of a recent food poisoning outbreak.
Last Saturday night eight local clubbers were hospitalised after consuming kebabs following a night out at the 'Shit's and Giggles' nightclub on Ecstasy Lane.
Local food safety official, Ivor Youngbride, was called in to investigate. He told us, "When I arrived at the premises of 'McNab's Kebabs' I was appalled at the lack of basic hygiene. I took swabs of all the surfaces and returned to my lab to examine the results. What I found was shocking. The whole shop was covered in the potentially deadly bacteria known as 'Shitus Alotus.' I have instructed the owner, Mr Rab McNab, to complete a full cleansing operation which I shall supervise."
One of the poisoned revellers mother's, Barbara Peddle, told us, "My lad Colin came home in a right state. At first I just thought he was shitfaced as usual and maybe he'd taken something. He's not one for moaning but he was whining like a little girl. He assured me he hadn't done any drugs before pebble dashing the bathroom with his squirty bottom."
Local police are confident of a successful prosecution against Mr McNab under the 'Giving people the shit's by selling dodgy kebabs Act of 1999.'
Mr McNab is unconcerned by the allegations. Speaking from outside his rancid shop, he said, "Look, I've been running this place for ten years and I've never had a problem. All of the meat I use is hand-picked by me from the local cats and dogs rescue home. I take it home and butcher it in my garden shed behind the shop. I even take measures to ensure the shed meets food hygiene standards by wiping the surfaces down with an oily rag and scraping the rust off my knives. I don't know what all the fuss is about. Doesn't everyone suffer from a dodgy gut and the shits after eating a kebab? I know I do."
Questions have been raised about the validity of Mr McNab's food hygiene certificates. We asked to see the paperwork and the kebab stained proprietor was more than happy to oblige. At first glance everything appeared to be kosher but on closer inspection we noticed that one of them was a ten metre swimming award and had been crudely altered with a marker pen to appear genuine, including spelling mistakes in the word 'hygiene'.
We asked Mr McNab about the fake documents and the spelling mistake. Wiping away some hot sauce from his moustache and clearly agitated, he told us, "So what? They're certificates aren't they? They may not be for food hygiene but that doesn't matter in my eyes. Besides, what's wrong with my spelling?"
He then read out the word in question. "H-I-G-H-J-E-A-N. I don't see the mistake. It's not like you have to be bloody Carol Vorderman to run a kebab shop."
The always caring Mayor of Little Divot, Mr I.M Tetchy, gave a characteristically sympathetic view of the situation,"I couldn't care less. These young morons will eat anything when their drunk. I once saw someone leaving the 'Shit's and Giggles' club eating vomit out of a rubbish bin. If you ask me it serves them right. It's a shame none of them died. If they had it would've been a warning to others about the dangers of eating poor people's food like the filthy muck that is a kebab. They should all be put on kebab skewers in the village square and made an example of."
This story may run and run, much like the unfortunate victims bottoms.