Dogging Tragedy Leaves Three Dead

Funny story written by Simon Saunders

Monday, 16 July 2012

image for Dogging Tragedy Leaves Three Dead
The dog at the centre of the tragedy having a bit of a kip after his exertions..

The picturesque village of Little Divot suffered yet another in a long line of headline making calamities after three local residents met their maker in a most undignified way.

The three perverted victims, named locally as Randy B'Stard, Fanny Soares and Dick Horne, were indulging in a spot of dogging at local beauty spot 'The Wizards Sleeve', a cave that resembles a wizards sleeve, when one of their dogs went berserk.

The dog, Lucky, 9, is believed to have overpowered the doggers before humping their legs vigourously until they were dead.

Local cops were called to the scene after being alerted by local busybody and retired racist, Wally Spankerton. Mr Spankerton told us what he discovered, "Well, I was walking my dog near 'The Wizards Sleeve' when I noticed lights shining through some trees. I took a gander and noticed that the lights were from some parked cars. Being a nosy old git I thought I'd have a closer look and that's when I saw the three dirty swines in a car. It was clear they had all snuffed it. It was hilarious. After I stopped laughing I alerted the filth."

P.C Voyeur of the Little Divot constabulary read a statement to the literally ones of assembled reporters. " We can confirm the discovery of three dead doggers at 'The Wizards Sleeve' at 9.35pm last night. It's a terrible tragedy. We believe that one of the doggers dogs went berserk and killed them. However, we shall be investigating thoroughly to eliminate any other possibilities. We would like to speak to the owner of a Volkswagon Golf, registration number BJ69 STD, who was witnessed near the scene shortly before the tragedy happened. We don't consider the owner a suspect but they may be able to shed some light onto why the dog went berserk. Worst of all, the doggers failed to clean up their dogs little 'messages'. Local residents can rest assured that we will still be issuing fines for this flagrant breach of dog fouling laws. We will expect prompt payment from the deceased persons devasted families."

Little Divots mayor, I.M Tetchy, spoke to us today. He commented," I'm sure everyone will want to send their condolences to the depraved buggers families. Frankly I would like to forget the whole sorry episode. I will never be able to venture up 'The Wizards Sleeve' again without shedding a tear in memory of the grubby individuals who have passed away there. I am very angry about all of this as I had to break off from my weekly tax-payer funded 12 course meal with local businessmen to deal with it."

We pointed out to Mayor Tetchy that he owned all the businesses in Little Divot and the surrounding villages so his business dinners may seem a bit of a waste of time and money in the eyes of residents. Mayor Tetchy responded, "Not at all. I schedule these meetings with myself so I can discuss ways of improving business links. I have surprised myself with some of the answers I've given to questions I've asked myself. These dinners have been a huge success and since I'm the only person who attends them you can't really argue with me on that one."

God only knows what disaster will strike the once sleepy village of Little Divot next. It will probably be completely ridiculous, whatever it is.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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