Written by Talking Tic-Tacs

Sunday, 26 August 2012

image for LL Cool J and Duncan Ferguson front new Neighbourhood Watch Campaign
The burglar who Ferguson apprehended, days after incident.

American rapper LL Cool J and ex-footballer Duncan Ferguson are to spearhead a new neighbourhood watch initiative, it has been announced.

The move, encouraging residents to batter the shite out of intruders, comes days after LL Cool J reportedly apprehended a thief in his home, broke the mans nose and jaw, and detained him until police arrived.

Ferguson also famously foiled burglars in his Merseyside home on TWO separate occasions in 2001 and '03. One of the TWO(again) robbers on the first occasion was confined to hospital for three days after 'big Dunc's' intervention, while the other fled. The second occasion saw the thief 'sat on' by Ferguson until police turned up.

The campaign is thought to be a coup for the Prime Minister's big society agenda as citizens are urged to take more responsibility in their communities. The modernised scheme differs from it's precedent rolled out in the 1980's and 90's which focused on residents forming a community watchdog for their neighbours, calling police at the sign of suspicious goings-on. Todays approach relies more on residents showing fearless, visceral violence. And then calling the police.

Critics have suggested LL Cool J and Ferguson's message is all very well, but requires the resident to be hard as fuck. The rapper, whose hits include 'Mama Said Knock You Out' and 'I'm Bad' replied, "Yeeah ah know some peeps might not feel like they have it in them but just use the spirit of LL and big Dunc and you'll be aaight. And don't stop swingin' dat weapon yo'!"

Former Everton and Newcastle striker Ferguson, who once made German footballing hardman Steffen Freund quiver like a fearful child, was less chatty on the argument but succinct nonetheless, "dinny be a bawbag" he said.

Justice Minister Ken Clarke was upbeat about the campaign which will include a television commercial, billboard advertising and door to door advice leaflets, "It's the big society in action. If people can take responsibility in stopping would-be burglars themselves it would free up more precious police time and resources, enabling them to concentrate even more on things like corruption and using unreasonable force when dispersing crowds."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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