Quack doctor busted

Funny story written by queen mudder

Monday, 12 June 2006

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Andy Wakefield MD

London - (Associated Mess): The consultant at the heart of an eight year quackery investigation about the MMR triple vaccine's link to congenital stupidity is to face gross professional misconduct charges after UK cops found he had been bankrolled by veteran US Bonesman General Albert Stubblebine III, mastermind of the NASA's Psych-Ops programme that used goat hypnosis to scry the White House presidential election results for 2000.

In the mid-1990s Wakefield worked as a consultant at the UK's Royal Flea Hospital where he noticed there was an awful lot of money to be made by taking whopping great backhanders from Texan Pioneers masterminding George Bush's fledgeling presidential election hopes.

While on holiday in the US in 1997 he was introduced to a creationist nutter called Professor Hugh Fudenberg who claimed to cure autistic children by giving them samples of his own bone marrow.

This miracle cure had been given to him via potent psychic forces by soldiers trained in psychic warfare programmes by former Gulf War commander General Albert Stubblebine III - a fundamentalist fanatic initially sponsored by the Ancient American Order of the Skull and Bones to train US military personnel in psychic spying techniques for Ronnie Raygun's NASA Star Wars programme.

One of Stubblebine's psych-ops' greatest achievements was to hypnotise goats and thus acquire from them ancient healing lore about the world's medical problems.

Other Stubblebine achievements included the astonishing ability of his highly trained psychic military spies to use their developed clairvoyant skills to detect Weapons of Mass Delusion in Islamic countries sitting on vast oil stockpiles that had so far eldude the sticky mitts of Exxon and the Halliburton Corporation.

Stubblebine's Psych-Ops sleuths psychically detected that Fudenberg was the Chosen One to lead controversial research into curing autism, find a radical new miracle cure and make even bigger loads of cash for Stubblebine, his seers and the Bonesmen who had bankrolled them in the first place.

Buckets of cash began to arrive from fellow US Bonesmen and Fudenberg was urged to find a junior medic partner to train up in his new found wisdom.

Wakefield was recruited for a sum not less than the publicly reported thrity peices of silver and began being tutored in Fudenberg's "transfer factor technology" - the secret key to mastering miracle cures for childhood autism syndrome.

This theory was based on a curious supposition that special substances can be harvested from white blood cells. Fudenberg's recipe - as stated before the US Supreme Court in 2001 - advised "injecting mice with measles, extracting and processing white cells, injecting the result into pregnant goats, milking them after kid-birth and turning the product into capsules for kids".

Wakefield immediately tried to patent the recipie and headed back to the UK where he soon found a captive audience of desperate but gullible parents whose children had been diagnosed with autistic symptoms.

Money soon began flowing in as a pressure group trying to sue the NHS persuaded the Legal Aid Board that Wakefield was the right specialist to give an expert opinion in a High Court Law suit for £££££££££££££s in compensation for those who had "caught" autism from their MMR jabs.

The Leagl Aid people came up with some £50,000 and Lo! the doctor was soon finding autism in children's intestines left, right and centre.

Today's announcement that Wakefield is to face gross stupidity chargs before the General Medical Council has been welcomed by all those whose children had been subjected to highly invasive rectal examinations as Wakefiled probed around for more cash to back up his quacky theories.

More details are expected later in the week.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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