Written by David Sapsted

Thursday, 2 August 2012

A British poll that resulted in Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo being named as the greatest film of all time has caused outrage in the British parliament.

Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt agreed to demands yesterday from furious MPs for a judicial inquiry following the results of the poll among 846 academics, critics and movie distributors.

Hunt described it as "an absolute disgrace" that Grease 2 had not even made the top 20 of the nominated movies and described its absence as "blatant and, possibly, criminal anti-British discrimination" among those polled, even though the majority of them were, in fact, British.

"Maxwell Caulfield's portrayal as the clean-cut English student Michael Carrington in Grease 2 and the juxtaposition of his opposing emotions during his evolving relationship with the Michelle Pfeiffer character could truly be described as a landmark in world film-making," said Hunt.

"The original Grease film was itself epoch-making, even though Maxwell Caulfield's absence was to be regretted. Grease II, however, took cinematic art to a whole new level.

"It is beyond belief that populist rubbish like Vertigo and Citizen Kane - not to mention La Regle du Jeu and Battleship Potemkin - were even considered. For a start, most of them were in black and white and some of them weren't even in English."

MPs from all parties demanded to know why other classic, ground-breaking movies such as Electric Dreams, Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat, Waxwork II and Prey of the Jaguar were not even considered in the poll.

All of the films, coincidentally, starred Maxwell Caulfield, who went on to become a bit player in the British TV soap Emmerdale before his character was cruelly shot dead by his second wife in 2010 - an incident that subsequently led to parliamentary demands for the resignation of all those involved in producing the programme.

Remarkably, the outrage in the House of Commons over the exclusion of Grease II in the latest poll was not replicated in a parallel debate in the House of Lords where the few peers able to stay awake during the discussion unanimously agreed that the film Penelope Pulls It Off should have received the critics' nod.

Described as "a minor classic", the film - about an art dealer and her seductive daughter who use sex to sell forged paintings - has only been available until recently on pay channels in hotels late at night. It does not star Maxwell Caulfield.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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