Written by Aphrodite

Sunday, 22 July 2012

image for Adding Up the Tab for Speaker Bercow's 'Dirty Weekend' Leaves Taxpayers Holding his Baggage!
Sally prepares to get a leg over Speaker during "dirty weekend"

Financial expense questions continue as it can be revealed that Commons Speaker John Bercow spent hundreds of pounds rushing to a tryst with wife "Long Tall Sally' in her ill timed and ill fated efforts to appear on Big Brother!

Speaker Bercow, several inches shorter than Scientologist Tom Cruise in his patent leather platform custom crafted shoes, and his gangly wife, continue to rile the average
citizen as their strange sex life unravels on the front pages of the Red Tops.

Financial disclosures now reveal that the Speaker spent over £600 to be ferried back to Devon in a limo after a short stint in Westminster when his wife promised to 'give 'em a weekend he'd never forget!"

The experience is said to have left the speaker 'Breathless!"

Ms. Bercow has told close associates she used her feminine wiles to convince her husband to allow her to go ahead with her plans to appear on Big Brother despite his public embarrassment and well founded trepidation on letting her loose on the public stage where her exhibitionism is well documented.

Readers will remember her stunning sheet draped nude photos posing in a flat in front of an open window with the phallic symbol of BIG BEN behind her becoming all the rage in London.

Speaker Bercow is said to be 5'3" whilst 'acting like he's 7' tall' according to disgruntled MPs.

Fortunately for the speaker, his wife was the first to be eliminated from the reality show where she reportedly 'earned' £160,000 for discussing Vajazzles (genital ornamentation) and beauty aides concerning 'pubic grooming.'

Thanks to the continued release of the Speaker's expense SHEETS , more can be revealed of the couples opulent and some say hedonistic lifestyle.

Recently the Speaker had the opaque shower door in their Commons bath replaced with clear glass on behest of his wife who told friends "John really enjoys looking on while I scrub up!"

Cost for the voyeuristic apparatus is said to be £1320.

In keeping up with their kinky life style it has been alleged that the speaker is still to be questioned concerning the £2400 tab for a bespoke set of queen sized sheets from Charlotte Thomas.

The 1000 count Egyptian cotton bed set is said to take 12 weeks to spin and is laced with 22 carat gold thread and must be dry cleaned and not just 'thrown in the wash after a shag' according to the Bercow's housekeeper.

Even more perplexing is the expenditure of £565 at a Liverpool adult store named as "The Naughty Moogie' for purchases listed as "marriage and relationship enhancements' on the invoice. Get real…a dildo is a dildo!

Further inquiry at the shoppe has found that the establishment is selling a '50 Shades of Grey" weekend party kit which includes fuzzy handcuffs, a 26" Tuffrider Braided Spiral Riding Crop offered in a variety of colours, something called 'Clips for Naughty Nips', a Latex 'Masque of Pleasure', a set of candles guaranteed to drip, and a 'magical wind up hand puppet."

Efforts to contact the speaker's office for an accounting met with no results as it was said that Mr. Bercow was 'exhausted' due to recent political events including the Olympic Disaster, and had left for Switzerland where he had checked in to a private clinic suffering from 'extreme fatigue, physical exhaustion, low testosterone, diminished esteem , acute embarrassment and an addiction to oysters.

Ms. Bercow was also unavailable and is said to be traveling in a Caravan somewhere in Romania and 'expanding her self awareness' at a nudist camp.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
70 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more