A Government think tank has released a report on how it will reduce the carbon footprint of the United Kingdom. In the report Professor Lance Loony expresses concerns about the impact of maintaining current infrastructure policies and recommends cut backs to reduce the cost of erosion.
The recommendations will include encouraging the general public to hop on one leg, reducing wear on pavements, pedestrian crossings and the stairs of Government buildings. Elderly and infirm people will be given the option of renting "Hop Sticks" from their local council for a nominal price.
Professor Loony would also like to see unicycles introduced because he feels the standard bicycle causes damage to the road surface therefore increasing the upkeep of the tarmac. To reduce the carbon footprint of street lighting, a lighthouse will be built on the corner of each street and lit with candles made from domestic cooking oil. Buses and trains will use Methuen gas produced by employees in Government baked bean eating houses, or "Fart Barnes" as they will be known.
The police will be disbanded and replaced by a gang of East End hard men who will be given special permission to use both legs when administering a kicking. Courts of law will be known as "Thrashing Houses" where a criminal will receive a damn good hiding and told, "Not to do it again" thus ridding the country of the burden of prisons and reducing the carbon footprint by a quarter.
Prime Minister David Cameroon read the report and said; "Yes, it is very nice, it has lots of words and some numbers in the margin, I for one am all about change and if I can reduce this countries calorie foot and mouth printing I will vote on it and find in favour of a resolution that will make it illegal to sell barbeque briskets that will not light first time.
