Local Slimy Limey Man, Martin Shuttlecock told today how he survived a run in with gangstas on Harlem's 125th Street today in true Brit style by 'winging it'.
The local man was in town hoping to audition as a writer for Late Night With David Letterman, the popular late night CBS entertainment show. Shuttlecock had brought some of his work from the popular anti-comedy website thespoof.co.uk.
"Yes it's completely true" Shuttlecock told reporters for the Global Evening NewsSlush website. "I was a little bit out of my depth. I think it was my pale complexion, Primark suit and general downbeat persona that made me stand out as 'not local'. I noticed two men seemed to be tailing me. They were smartly dressed, over 6ft tall and wearing dark glasses. I quickly realised they might be local gangsters".
Pausing for a moment to pull a bit of wax from his ear Mr Shuttlecock continued "My only recollection of gangsters was a drunken claim by a fellow writer Clive Danton of growing up in Bethnal Green where he used to run errants for the local firm Ronnie and Reggie Kray".
"I quickly pulled a match out and stuck it between my teeth. Instantly I looked more convincing. They approached me and asked me what was my business in the area? I told them 'Tony' had sent me. Every gangster knows someone called 'Tony'. Having put them at ease, I continued to give them a steaming pile of bull by convincing them I was here to broker a bet on a pool match involving Fast Eddie".
It turned out that the two gangsters were wet behind the ears and they bought everything Shuttlecock said. "One even gave me his number as I told them I was shipping Tower Bridge over from London to sell bit by bit and needed a local to handle the admin. I also gave them my address in London, which is actually Dantons workshop on the Cambridge Heath Road. If they turn up there, he'll go for them with a monkey wrench"
Despite the lucky escape, chancer Shuttlecock revealed he is not 100% in the clear yet. "I told the wife Anne back home in blighty I was only popping out for a pint of milk and that was four days ago. She's gonna batter me with the rolling pin Andy Capp style when I walk through the front door"
