A massive racist who had been caught on camera throwing bananas at a Premier League football player was cleared of all charges of racial abuse at Preston Crown Court yesterday after it was revealed that he'd been living under a rock since 1972.
Guy Levis, who is unemployed and has a shaved head, told reporters that racial prejudice was simply a part of everyday life when he moved into a basement flat under The Rock pub in Burnley all those years ago. "How was I to know that things have changed?" he said. "Before I went to live under the rock we would take a bunch of bananas to every game. We'd stop at Tesco's on the way especially."
The trial, which ran for seven days, seemed to be destined for a guilty verdict, until Clayton Hopp, the defendants lawyer - who is rated as one of the best in the business - brought to the jury's attention the matter of the rock.
"We were definitely going to send him down," an anonymous jury member revealed to us. "He seemed to be a scoundrel, a hooligan, a lager lout and maybe even a white van man. We were in no doubt that this pot-bellied skin head was a scourge on society. But then the rock came into play. How is he to know about racial tolerance if he's been living under a rock all these years?"
The Premier League footballer (who for legal reasons we are not allowed to name - but who we can assure you is an idiot) tweeted last night that "I fought the skinhead was out of order, but nuf respect, bet it's tuff living under a rock all dat time............anyone wanna play fifa?"
Meanwhile, Clayton Hopp is rumoured to be preparing a case for the defence of an accused serial killer. His main argument will be that the defendant couldn't possibly be guilty because he was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place at the time of the murders.
More to follow.