Employee tribunal scheduled after the world's best excuse for failing a drugs test

Written by IainB

Monday, 6 February 2012

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Jo Jones is looking for volunteers

Gabbie Halls has successfully won a right to appeal her dismissal on drugs charges from a well known high street bank after she came up with a cracker of an excuse.

"I'd go as far to say," said Jo Jones of the Drug Employment Testing Agency, "that it is the best excuse in the world."

According to DETA, Halls claimed that the reason she failed her drugs test was because she had given somebody a blow job and that person had taken cocaine earlier in the day.

"I'm completely innocent," said Halls. "Well, okay I'm not innocent because I prefer to swallow. But I've never taken drugs."

Halls has gallantly refused to name whom she had given fellatio to on the grounds that he is quite highly placed in the bank.

"I'm not proud of what I did," she said. "I don't love him or anything, but I had my reasons, and I'll stand by them."

Research is now underway to see if Halls's excuse stands closer scrutiny.

"We've never come across this particular excuse before," said Jones. "So we are not completely sure if it is feasible, reasonable or possible to take in enough metabolites from giving head to fail a drugs test."

DETA are now on the hunt for a man who takes cocaine and likes being on the receiving end of a bit of oral. Jones herself is willing to be the other guinea pig for experimental purposes only.

"We're not being discriminatory or anything," said Jones. "We'd take two men, but we want to replicate the situation as closely as we can."

DETA are not hopeful in finding such a man.

"If anybody would like to volunteer to take copious amounts of drugs and then be given a blow job, we'd like to hear from them," said Jones. "I doubt that they'll be many who take me up on the offer though."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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