Ireland's notorious gang of psycho circus clowns struck again yesterday, in the small market town of Crossmafinngers, County Clare.
The five strong gang, comprising of four men and a woman, all wearing clown suits. wigs, bizarre costumes and outsize shoes have been terrorising the Irish Republic for months, with their bizarre clown make-up, and their zany circus comedy caper antics.
Yesterday they targeted Crossmafinngers in a seemingly random strike, leaving in their wake a deeply traumatised community.
Eyewitnesses reported the psycho circus clowns arriving in a convertible car, which belched smoke, and backfired profusely until it came to a halt in Market Cross. As the clowns leapt from the wobbly wheeled vehicle, it exploded in a spectacular puff of white smoke and promptly fell apart.
The clowns then dispersed and began to wage their terror war on unsuspecting mid-afternoon shoppers.
"Sure they collared me useless drip of a husband first," said Mrs O'Farrell. "Twas as he was leavin' Hanlon's Pub that the clown fella leapt out in the front of him and aimed a bucket o' water at the back of his head. Somewhere near his face. But on the opposite side. Me oul' fella near wet himself at the thought of gettin' a soakin,' but the bucket was only filled with bits of torn up newspaper. Give him a proper fright, so it did. The daft fecker fainted on the spot. That'll improbably teach him to lay off the drink in future, although that's debatable. So although it was a terrible, terrible business, something positive came out of it. Sure, so it did."
Six year old Barney McGuigan could only look on in horror, as his mother went to sniff a clown's buttonhole, and got a wee squirt of water in the face for her troubles.
"The clown fella got me Mammy," Barney sniffed. "She thought she was smelling a flower, but he squirted water in her face instead. Me Mammy was stunned. I know she's a bit tick, but I never imagined she was eejit enough to fall for that load of oul' bollix. Never mind though. It's him as should be worrying, because when I grow up, I'm going to track him down and nail him to a tree with a hilti gun. Then I'll probably chop him up with a chainsaw and feed him to the pigs or something. Oh, I dunno - I'm only six and three quarters so I'll have plenty o' time to cook up a cunning plan."
The most brutal attack in the Crossmafinngers atrocity was the ruthless and unceasing assault upon a baldy headed man, as he was making his way along the Armagh Road towards Skinny's Burger Bar. He was harrassed at length by a clown, who laughed in his face, taunted his baldness, and by means of a cunningly concealed wire, caused his wig to flap up and down at the sides in the most blatant display of mockery since Dubliners turned out in their tens of thousands to wave union jacks and welcome the Queen of England to the fair city of Molly Malone and the sacred well of the Liffey water.
The traumatised baldy man was rushed to St Botox's Hospital on the outskirts of town and put on an intraveinous Bushmills drip, in order to stabilise his embarrassment. Latest reports state that he is making a steady recovery, and that his toes have finally uncurled.
Sources say that the psycho circus clowns regrouped and disappeared from the scene a little before four o' clock.
A Garda spokesman informed the public that the Garda were looking for some clowns in connection with a series of incidents across the country, but not to expect instant results, as this is traditionally the festive season piss-up weekend, and that no clown would ever change that.
He also advised citizens to avoid reading really crap spoof articles about psycho circus clowns, and avoid really tossy practical jokes whilst doing the Christmas shop.
"I say down with this sort of thing," the spokesman told reporters. "At the end of the day, it does nobody any good. None of it. If at all, at all."
More as we get it.
We'll bring it to you as we do. Get it, that is.
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