Torture - The Irish Way

Funny story written by Proffitt

Friday, 25 November 2011

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Stinky Bishop

China and Iran are two countries that spring to mind when we think about torture, however, if I had to choose a country in which to suffer it I would be happy to be stuck in Ireland. Here follows a list of Irish torture techniques:

Cheese boarding: Subjects are made to sniff whiffy cheeses such as 'Stinky Bishop' and Stilton for hours on end. In extreme circumstances prison guards have even been known to place their stinky figures under the noses of the recipient!

Chinese Water Chestnuts: Here, chestnuts are constantly dropped from a height of some 4 feet on to a person's forehead. The subject is usually tied to a chair or lay down on a bed while the act is carried out. Particularly nasty when chestnuts are off an open fire.

Branding: Where subjects are tied to a chair and forced to watch endless Brand TV shows featuring Russell 'the long haired bore' and Jo the fat dinner ladyesq talking about being fat and ugly.

The Essex Smile: Not to be confused with the 'Glasgow Smile' the Essex variation features extensive tooth whitening, capping and general scale and polishes. In extreme cases subjects can even end up with a 'Trout Pout' (see Leslie Ash).

Foot Roasting: Where subjects are force fed copious amounts of super strength lager and then sat in an armchair with their feet placed on top of the gas fire. Although subjects merely need move their roasting feet they rarely do, instead choosing to moan about how hot the fire is, the high cost of the heating bills and asking others to turn it down.

Instruments of torture are likely to be:

The Rack: Where a €10 prostitute gives subjects a fast and furious hand job knowing full well that in order to obtain as many €10's as possible she (or in extreme forms 'HE') must keep up the shuffling.

The Chinese Iron Maiden: Basically the rock group Iron Maiden but played very loud in Chinese. Some might say the English version would be bad enough but sung by a Chinese Karaoke star its much worse.

So don't get caught smuggling potatoes out of Ireland.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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