Written by pinxit

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

image for Missing Dorking Man Found Up Own Arse
Mr Zitt does a spot of remote viewing...

A local man who was reported missing four days ago has been located, "safe and unsound", after an astonishing tip-off to his whereabouts from a 'remote-viewer' thousands of miles away in the USA, say Dorking police.

Paul Twist, of 23 Abercorn Street, Dorking, a freelance job-seeker and contributor to the sensational new book 'The Dorking Review', was said to be back in the bosom of his family after his sudden and dramatic disappearance last Saturday.

Police say that they were contacted by Mr. Goodhew Zitt, a spare-time psychic and remote viewer from Georgia, USA, who alerted them to Mr Twist's whereabouts.

"Mr Zitt told us exactly where we would find Mr Twist. It's quite remarkable and not a little unnerving," said DCI Shirley Knott of Dorking police's Special Branch.

Where the sun don't shine...

Speaking from his home in Georgia, a modest Mr Zitt said, "I heard about this case from a website I frequent. Something in my bones told me he was up his own ass from the moment I saw him."

"It also makes complete logic when you think about it - if you're looking for an asshole, where's the obvious place to start? The Brit cops did a good job finding him and an even better job on coaxing him out from his hidey-hole."

The police doctor who gave Mr Twist a check-up after his ordeal said he appeared to suffer from 'Oozlum-bird syndrome', a non-fatal but extremely irritating disease that effects the ego.

It is believed Mr. Twist has not yet contacted Mr Zitt to thank him for the tip-off to the police but did say he "knows where he lives" and that he would be "eternally grateful for the American's revelationary disclosure."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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