Kent Private Detective On The Trail Of Tortoise Thief!

Funny story written by Jean Le Fete

Thursday, 22 September 2011

image for Kent Private Detective On The Trail Of Tortoise Thief!
A Tortoise Waves at the camera

Curtis Johnny Ottoman, or Otto. as he is known by his friends, is on the trail of a serial Tortoise Thief in Kent, Twelveoaks. Being one of the few reptilian detectives in the western hemisphere, Otto is world famous for his sleuthing.

"Tortoises in Kent have been disappearing at an alarming rate. Why just yesterday Mrs Donovan over on Kiester Streetlost two out in her greenhouse. They were a 10000 pound breeding pair! Were talking big money here and on the black market they'll bring even more," said Otto.

Just outside of Kent and Twelveoaks a pair of herpotologists Virginia and Bill Tavers study wild Tortoises in hopes of finding out why their numbers also dwindling.

"People don't know this, but these Tortoises are very complicated, they live in prides and have territories just like lions. See that one over there? Over there we call that area the savanna, but that Tortoise is named Elsa, if she sees you looking at her she'll charge you. Mind you it will taker a while to get to you, but I guarantee if stay in that spot for 10 minutes she'll take a bleed'n big chunk outta yer leg."

From behind us in the large canvas tents used by the Tavers comes the familiar music from a generation ago, "Born free, as free as wind blows..." The Tavers wear safari gear straight out of some film from Kenya, formerly British East Africa.

"We have heard about the thefts," says Virginia, "but we've no idea about them really, because we're so focused on our work. Now of course there is that one over there with a bonnet on its head, Mrs Childers we call her, we wonder where she developed an eye for fashion, but still it is unlikely a thief would let their turtle run loose out here in the wild Savannah. Domesticated turtles just wouldn't make it here. It would be like putting your cat out with a pride of lions."

"What about that one over there with the Ad for Al's Pub on his shell?" Asked Otto.

"Oh he's very wild," said Bill, "It doesn't really say Al's Pub, its blurred from the turtle's obvious attempt to flee the brush."

"It is not! That's Times New Roman Font, nobody can paint that while running, besides they're bleedn'n turtles for Christsake! I'm turning you two into the police."

"Run Elsa! Run like the wind!" scream both, "You'll never take us alive!" said Bill pulling out an Elephant rifle.

"Its too late, I've texted the police, they'll be here in minutes, they now know who has stolen the Tortoises of Kent!" said Otto.

"Oh," said Bill putting the rifle down, "I don't suppose you'd believe we have a movie contract would you?" starts to sing, "Born free, as free as the wind blows...."

The police arrived and arrested the Tavers for the crime of grand theft turtle.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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