Derren Brown tricks his way to the 140th Open Championship

Funny story written by IainB

Sunday, 17 July 2011

image for Derren Brown tricks his way to the 140th Open Championship
The only golf club Derren Brown had

Master illusionist Derren Brown has used his psychological tricks to win the 140th Golf Open Championship in Sandwich's Royal St George course. Despite never playing a stroke, he was declared the winner as being seven under par for the course, beating Tiger Woods into second place.

"I don't remember ever seeing him with a golf club in his hand," said Tiger Woods. "But I've seen his score card, and there's no doubt he beat me by two whole strokes."

Competition organisers have been pouring over video footage from the competition.

"We thought we'd not see him," said adjudicator Ed Less. "However, whenever I looked at footage, I saw him everywhere, waving and smiling at the camera as he got ready to take a perfect shot."

Derren Brown for his part displayed the trophy to the crowd.

"I'd like to point out," said Brown to his adoring public, "that I cannot actually play golf. Never have been able to."

Brown admitted that the last time he'd played golf was a game of nine hole pitch and put at Southport against Derek Acorah.

"Acorah said I was rubbish," said Brown. "And we had a bet that I couldn't win a major Open championship. And here I am. The world renowned psychic got the future wrong."

Despite appearing on countless hours of video footage, not one person can remember seeing Derren Brown go around the course or hit a ball.

"It's a mystery to me," said Ed Less. "How did he do it?"

Derren Brown gave a mysterious smile. "Trade secret," said Brown. "You'll have to wait for my next series 'Derren Brown Wins a Golf Tournament'. Can you guess what it's about?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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