The disturbing news emanating from White Hart Lane appears to be hinting that Tottenham Hotspur FC are preparing to found a new global religion "a bit like wot that L Ron Hubbard geezer done wiv Scientology," and that the new religion - Cockology - is to have head coach, Harry Redknapp, installed as its figurehead.
Sources report that significant progress has already been made with regard to the new religion's foundations, and that interest is already being declared from all around the world. As far as is commonly known, this is the first time that a Premier League football club has attempted to market itself as a globally organised religion.
Most supporters appear to be wholly in favour of the move, which would elevate Harry Redknapp to a messianic level, with him sitting on a golden throne holding court in a greasy spoon up Tottenham High Road, while followers grovel at his feet, taking communion in the form of Brick Lane bagels.
As with all religions, the emphasis of Cockology will be based on the eternal battle between good and evil, with the devil represented by Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger, and the pits of Hades given earthly manifestation by the Emirates Stadium.
No surprises there then...
The Cockology Bible, if reports are to be believed, will take the form of a London A-Z with bits of tape stuck over the locations of rival clubs in the capital.
Missionaries dedicated to spreading the message of Cockology and Harry Redknapp as God are already working in the field, preparing the way in locations as diverse as Tokyo, Los Angeles, New York, Bristol, Paris, Dublin, Rome, Berlin, St Petersburg, Moscow, Lagos, Cairo, Jerusalem, Tehran, Basingstoke and Hemel Hempstead. With many more to follow.
Harry Redknapp - or 'The Messiah,' as he may soon be known according to Cockologists - is said to be over the moon and made up with being deified as a God. According to Shazu Yakomoto, the editor of Tokyo football fanzine 'Get In There Mah Sahhhn!' Redknapp will make a brilliant football type God:
"'Arry as a Gawd! Cor blimey mate! Wot a bleedin' result! I can't 'ardly wait to get on the dog and bone ter me old mucker Tetsu Yamaguchi dahn at the Mitsubishi showroom where he does a bit o' duckin' an' divin' wiv der mug punters - be bleedin' made up he will! Tottenham fru and fru he is, Gawd bless his little cottons. We'll 'ave us a proper saki up mate! It'll be jellied eel sushi, saki, and tuna pie n' mash all the way dahn the old Yokohama Road tonight mate! And no mistake! Innit mah sahhhn!"
More Japanese fish-based Cockology related shenanigans as they come in.
