Dalglish Richly Deserves His New Three-Year Anfield Contract

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Thursday, 12 May 2011

image for Dalglish Richly Deserves His New Three-Year Anfield Contract
Jimmy Shithouse Case Is One Of The Many Anfield Legends

Kenny Dalglish has signed a new three-year contract at Liverpool.

Anfield bosses were so happy with his performance in the caretaker role he had occupied since January that they had no hesitation in offering him the new contract.

Dalglish took over as caretaker after the sacking of his predecessor, Old Roy, who was unable to adequately fulfil the demands of the role. An Anfield caretaker has a vital part to play in the continued failure of the club to escape the shadow of the golden era the club enjoyed under managers like Bill Shankly, Bob Paisley, Joe Fagan and Tom Watson, their longest-serving manager who served the longest, from 1896 to 1915.

Liverpool's skipper Stephen Gerrard confirmed that the Anfield caretaker plays a crucial part in the continued failure of Liverpool FC.

"Caretaker is a crucial role here. The caretaker plays a crucial part in our continued failure", he confirmed. "Without the caretaker, we wouldn't be able to continue to be overshadowed by the Shankly era."

It was Dalglish's skill in keeping the Anfield Bill Shankly Statue clean and polished that most impressed the Liverpool powers that be.

Demian Salami, Liverpool's Director of Nostalgia, said Dalglish proved by his stewardship of the statue that he was the only man for the job of caretaker.

"Kenny Dalglish is a legendary Liverpool figure, both as a sour-faced, granite-featured arrogant curmudgeon, and as a supremely-gifted Shankly Statue-Steward and reminder of legendary past achievements.

"Right away after he started in January, it was obvious that he had transformed the atmosphere of the place. The Shankly Statue has never been so clean. It really dominates the club now. The previous caretakers never quite managed to keep it so clean and dominant."

And Liverpool's American owner, John Henry Pumpernickel III, is delighted to have secured the services of Dalglish for another three years.

"Bob Shankly is absolutely a legend of Liverpool, like Kevin Toshack and Ringo Starr. His songs, Ferry Across The Mersey and You Were Made For Me are still sung by The Kop Barbershop Choir on the anniversary of Jimmy Shithouse Case's tackle on Everton's Geoff Nulty.

"Bob Shankly won more World Series Rubbers than any other soccer coach in Liverpool. His statue is there to remind us all of that great World Cup win in 1966 when Emlyn Hughes first produced his irritating laugh and Tommy Smith starred in Half A Sixpence in the morning before playing at Wembley in the evening and terrifying the German Quarterback into submission.

"I always loved the way England swung in the Swinging Sixties. Plus owning a British soccer franchise is a great way to make a quick buck these days."

Steven Gerrard concluded: "We're not going to shoot our mouths off and say that we are going to win everything now that Kenny has his new contract.

"That's because we are going to win fuck all."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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