Manchester United Purchased In Hostile Takeover

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Saturday, 23 April 2011

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Manchester fans will need to learn to say "Ole'!"

Manchester United, an English soccer/football club that plays in the Premiere League, has been purchased in a hostile takeover. The club, which has played in Old Trafford, Greater Manchester for over 100 years, will be relocating to Mexico per the new owners.

Vicente Fox, oil billionaire and former President of Mexico, and French billionaire Francois Henri Pinault jointly begin buying shares of the team. They did this both secretly and on the open market. Smaller shares have been quietly paid for on the side for several weeks. The Manchester United Supporter's Trust was taken over by purchasing the debt of that group from creditors. The 28.7% controlling interest owned by Malcolm Glazer was bought yesterday at a secret meeting in an office in the New York Stock Exchange. The Fos/Penault Joint Venture now holds 67.3% interest in the team, with the possibility of aquiring another 17.4% before the close of business this week.

Fox wanted the club to bring commerce and greater capital and exposure to Mexico. Penault's interest in purchasing the team was for his wife, Mexican native and internationally known actress Salma Hayek. As her 45th birthday is approaching and she is a huge fan of the team and the sport, this is her birthday present.

Team headquarters will be in Monterrey, Mexico (less than 200 miles from the U.S. border). This should allow easy access to American fans from San Antonio, Austin, Corpus Christi, Laredo, and Brownsville easy access to the games. Other home games will be played in Mexico City and Merida. This allows the team to continue using the "M" in their logo and not change their current uniforms.

The team name will now become the Chupacabras, a Mexican animal known for its ferocity, strength, and stealth.

When asked about expenses, Fox and Penault said that it was actually cheaper to fly out of Mexico on Mexican airlines than it was to use current European transportation. They have offered all other teams inexpensive contracts on AeroMexico and plan to try to make this the official airline of the Premiere League.

Team star Chicharito (Javier Hernandez Balcazar) is actually a Mexican native from Guadalajara and was excited to hear the news. He told an interpreter that "dissatisfied fans in Mexico throw cups or urine and feces at their own players and at opponents. This will be a much better situation than having to be in front of a crowd of English soccer hooligans."

One winning strategy outlined by Chicharito would be to get opposing players to "drink the water."

Chicharito's girlfriend Shakira was also pleased with the purchase, as this puts her fiance much closer to her native Columbia. She says that the move will give her more time to act skanky and less time recovering from jet lag (though she is usually on her back for both).

Matches will be preceeded by such events as Celebrity bullfighting (which will also add natural obstacles to the soccer field).

Fox has stated that he wants his players to clean up their vocabulary. Words like "bloody," "bollocks," and "innit" will be strictly forbidden on the practice fields, in game situations, on the sidelines, and in the locker rooms. Players are encouraged to use other, nicer words like "pendejo" and "puta." Tutors will be hired to teach the players the official team language of Spanglish (as they are so close to the U.S. border).

An immediate change will be the official team chant from the fans. When they wish to protest an call, they will scream in unison (in Spanglish) "No bueno por Chit!"

Concession stands will serve chicharones, churros, tacos, and tamales instead of crumpets and cucumber sandwiches. Cold cerveza (such as Corona) will be served in place of warm beer.

Fox and Penault see an easy transition and say that anyone who gives them grief about the move will see time in a Mexican or French prison.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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