Barry Bonds on target to hit a million home runs

Written by Frank Cotolo

Wednesday, 21 September 2005

image for Barry Bonds on target to hit a million home runs
Barry Bonds smacking his way to a million homers.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Returning to baseball after being injured and sidelined most of the season, and still battling the specter of steroids (which he has not admitted to taking), Barry Bonds is hitting home runs again. And now, experts say he is on target to hit a million home runs before he retires.

"He hit two in the four games he has played since he got back," said home run expert Martin Stunky. "At this rate he could be in the thousands next season."

Bonds has already broken Mark McGwire's single-season home run record, a mark that toppled Roger Maris's breaking of Babe Ruth's record. Only Bonds has been accused of being stronger due to taking performance-enhancing drugs.

"This current wave of hitting home runs proves that he don't need no drugs," said Wendell Coronary, president of the Home Runs Without Drugs Association (HRWDA) which encourages players everywhere to hit home runs while not under the influence of stimulants. "The HRWDA," said Coronary, "is still trying to do away with the designated hitter rule because pitchers deserve to try to hit home runs while not on drugs just like all other players."

Meanwhile, Bonds followers are elated. "A million home runs is not out of reach," said one fan. "All he needs is a couple more hundred thousand. Shoot, he has plenty of seasons left before he quits."

"Barry won't quit," said his former agent, Stillwell Bonniville. "He will keep playing and hitting until he reaches one million. It has always been his goal and it will be his way of showing people he was never on drugs. I was, but no one seems to care about me."

"With a million home runs he will not be able to be shunned by the Hall of Fame committee," said Sticky Morbane, who runs the Cooperstown, New York brewery. "There is no way to put an asterisk on a record like that."

A descendant of Babe Ruth said, "I hope he chokes on that millionth home run ball. I hope it bounces back into his big mouth and makes his saliva accumulate and block his ability to swallow and you know what will happen then. Other than that, I wish him the best."

"A million, shmillion," said Roger Maris biographer Fella Debella. "I don't care if he is on drugs, let's see him try to hit sixty while smoking a pack of Camels a day."

A recent poll indicated that 87 percent felt Bonds would hit a million home runs before his career ended, since he couldn't hit a million home runs after his career.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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