Florida Horror: Lane Kiffin Tosses His Hat in Ring for UF Job after Urban Meyer Announces Retirement!

Funny story written by Morse

Thursday, 9 December 2010


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Toilet Bowl only Kiffin Legacy after 3 Football Teams!

Saying he'd accomplished all he could at the University of Southern California, USC, vagabond coach Lane Kiffin said he's ready to move on to the job he always wanted; Head Coach of the Florida Gators!

Successful Florida head coach Urban Meyer, 46, said he had decided to step down for both family and health reasons after several decades of football where he amassed a record of 103-23 at three schools, including 22 straight at UF and 2 back to back 13 win seasons!

Kiffin, 17, he'll be 18 in January, comes off a career of mostly unsavory failures including his 5-15 stint for NFL icon Al Davis, where he dumped the Raiders further into the toilet, and was fired 'with cause', a decision upheld later by the NFL grievance committee.

Shortly after, Kiffin took over the head coaching job at the University of Tennessee signing a long term contract, but leaving them after a 7-7 season including a blow out bowl loss to Virginia Tech. His departure left the Vols with a host of recruiting violations to clear up and only a 'toilet bowl' to place in their trophy case.

Kiffin jumped all over a chance to coach USC, the reigning powerhouse where he once was an assistant coach, and signed the contract just before the NCAA stepped in and gutted the football program over a host of blatant infringements during his tenure as Pete Carroll's assistant.

USC lost 10 scholarships a year, and were denied any bowl appearances for this year and next, in addition to forfeiting the BSC crown won in 2004, and a host of games in which running back Reggie Bush, now with the New Orleans Saints, and formerly in the pants of Kim Kardashian, played an active role. Bush was on a lucrative pay roll financed by a Pro Sports agent who housed his parents and supplied a variety of 'incentives' to Bush while he was a 'matriculating student." (sic)

Meyer, whose wife unlike Kiffin's is NOT a cheerleader on the team he coaches, has won the respect of friends and opponents alike for his dedication to the ethics of the game, a commitment to his student athletes and sportsman like conduct.

Kiffin managed to ooze out a 7-6 record this year, but lost to Notre Dame, was blown out by Oregon 53-32 and Oregon State 36-7 and had no bowl prospects due to the penalty imposed on the school.

Insiders said the shotgun marriage for Kiffin and USC was effectively over when he signed the contract and then found out 2 days later he was going to lose 10 scholar ships and not be able to appear in bowl games for 2 years which voided several incentive clauses in his contract.

Kiffin was also miffed when wife Layla only made second string on the cheer leading squad which did not entitle her to join the team bus on away games, or share a hotel room with her husband at team expense.

Upon hearing the rumour that Kiffin wants the UF job, recently retired Florida State coach Bobby Bowden, 81 , said , "well, hell and tarnation....if they're that hard up, I'll even come back, I don't want to see our great state drugged through the mud, and we certainly don't need no dad gummed cheerleader that dances worse than Bristol Palin, neither!"

Bobby Bowden went 377-129-4 in his career and never said "shit"...not even one dad gummed time!

Steve Spurrier former coach of UF and now at the University of South Carolina GAMECOCKS, was not so charitable. "If that dum sum bitch dares to set foot in this conference, I'm gonna wup up his ass so bad he won't be able to sit down for a week...hey, ever see that wife of his dance ? Sad...really sad....take away her pole and what does she have left...nuttin, honey! Go COCKS!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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