New York Yankees to Sign New Players

Funny story written by Neil Levine

Tuesday, 26 July 2005

image for New York Yankees to Sign New Players
Yankee Prospects

Da Bronx, New York---In a new reality show search for talent driven by unexpected and unpredictable injuries and aches and pains of one sort or the other, the New York Yankees are seeking major league quality pitching and have identified two big league caliber candidates somewhere out there not far from the boondocks of obscurity, one a tall, six foot two, lanky kid out of Hazleton, Missouri, said to possess a nasty sinker and the other, a solidly built, barrel chested hunk of a prospect, with a rifle for an arm, enough control to survive life on the streets and an eye for hawking newspapers; who at one point in his life had been working as a part time bouncer in his father's bar and grill, throwing unhappy customers for a loop and cleaning up the mess afterwards. "Pop gets ‘em all lickered up and I take care to see they get home as best they can afford," he has said.

General Manager Cashman has told Yankee beat reporters, "They're young. They've got unexploited potential. We can all dream."

"If we continue to have debilitating injuries and breakdowns in performance, we may have to throw some young blood onto the field of battle cold turkey and give them a fighting chance in a baptism by firebrand and hope for the best. Baseball has always been called a kid's game, anyway, don't you know. We've got to appeal to the younger generation or else we're doomed to repeal the mistakes of the past."

"I understand this kid from Missouri goes by the name Mel, has no preferred nickname, although we can always come up with some ringers, appears serious about pitching and seems to be studying for a bigger role in the grand scheme of things."

"Our prospect from Baltimore, prefers to be called Da Babe, likes to have fun and has been practicing his swing in case the bench empties in a pinch."

"Every once in a while he has developed this strange habit of pointing to particular spots in the bleachers and then smacking long leisurely fly balls that clear the wall with the greatest of ease."

"It looks like they both have a solid future ahead of them so we'll try to give them the once over and if they pass that we'll go over the opposing batters pitch after pitch after nasty pitch. Da Babe seems to like them high and tight as is his prerogative."

Joe says he'll talk to his staff and see what they say. "With all our current mound woes," he says, "this might be worth a shot. This could turn out to be a first class pitch. The two of ‘em like to throw ‘em where they ain't."

But Joe is totally ruling out using his old catcher's mitt should something unexpected happen to Jorge. "My shin guards don't fit and they've always irritated the dickens out of my calf muscles. So don't even think of it."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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