(October 28, 2010 -- Chicago, IL)...Breaking news out of Chicago has shocked the sports community today as a person really famous for their participation in professional athletics was accused of doing something not considered legal. The superstar athlete, well known for his super stardom in athletics, has already hired a really expensive lawyer that will do his very best to assure the athlete is not held to the same level of responsibility as an average citizen.
"People think they know me because of how I've been portrayed in the media, but it's really misunderstood how much people don't understand how misunderstood I am. I'm a professional athlete, I don't have to adhere to the same standards as a regular person because I excel at something that allows inferior people to live vicariously through my success. Remember last year when I made that really big play that won that super important game? Of course you do. Why? Because it's extremely important to a substantial part of the population. It's obvious why I should be granted some leeway when it comes to obeying the law, I led my team to victory in the most important game we will ever play until next year's most important game to ever be played" said the increasingly famous athlete.
Almost instantaneous with the initial reports of the alleged crime was vocal support from the athletic community:
"I'm sure that my fellow athlete will be cleared of all charges" said a less talented, but just as, if not more, famous athlete. "We've lived our entire lives with people supporting our every decision regardless of its practicality or logic. We're used to the double standard, and we deserve it, I mean think of how many people we entertain!? Do you really want your favorite team in that sport you like to be worse because of a silly mistake made by somebody who's been granted every feasible opportunity to avoid these exact kind of mistakes? Honestly, a conviction would be nothing more then class warfare, if we let a really famous athlete pay his debt to society, then it just shows that we're not superior to everyone else. Do you want to have that talk with your children? Do you want to be the person that tells them that being an athlete doesn't give you a free pass to get wasted and murder people with your car or bang anything that's likely to have a vagina? I'm not ready to stop destroying the true dreams and aspirations of my child by forcing him to follow in my footsteps. I didn't give a child my name with "Jr." on the end so he could waste his time actually contributing to the solutions of our societies problems."
Chicago's District Attorney Patrick J. Fitzgerald, prominent around the nation because he neglected to prosecute Barack Obama for being a Muslim-Nazi-Terrorist focused on destroying America (with a specific emphasis on cute puppies), was candid with his comments:
"Allow me to be candid with my comments. I'm almost positive that this famous athlete will be acquitted of all charges. I realize that it's generally frowned upon when a prosecuting attorney essentially admits he'll allow criminals to go free if they are rich and famous, but, have you seen this guy in action? He's totally awesome. How am I supposed to patronize my favorite drinking establishment if I have to look my buddies in the eye and tell them that I was heavily involved in crushing the aspirations of our popular sports team?"
Members of the media were astonished when Fitzgerald said this case would be a great starting point for his new "Slap on the Hand" campaign, aimed at keeping ruthless criminals on the streets as long as they've achieved a certain level of notoriety and social stature. Fitzgerald elaborated on his announcement, explaining that athletes would be the most consistent beneficiary of his campaign, but that it would also extend to movie stars, politicians and pre-approved "Real Housewives."
Later, details arose revealing the accused famous athlete has agreed to become the spokesperson for a non-profit organization supporting a cause in direct contradiction of his crime. The move was met with nearly unanimous speculation that it was a publicity stunt intended to deter the overwhelmingly palpable outcry:
"Folks, I think it's glaringly obvious that this is so much more then a publicity stunt. Our organization is committed to the cause, we fight, with blood, sweat and tears, each and every day to accomplish our mission. While cynics may question the motives of anointing a person who's been a severe detriment to a high profile position, this famous athlete has explained to me that he is dedicated to our cause. Of course I was questioned his motives, he's never contacted, nor shown the slightest bit of interest in what we're trying to do until the second he needed to win people over, but he has assured me that his stature will help proliferate the ideals of our cause even if it means sacrificing the foundation of our morals. I want to make it explicitly clear that we will support this famous athlete throughout his tenure as our spokesperson and will continue to do so until he no longer needs the publicity or happens to actually be a terrible person who disregards his dedication the moment it is no longer advantageous."
The family of the alleged victim has tried to remain outside of the general public's radar, but we were able to obtain exclusive credentials to interact with them briefly. As we discussed the case with the vocal group of pessimistic drama-queens, they explained their lives would never be the same, due in most part to the extensive media coverage of the (most likely fabricated) tragedy. While the victim's father was particularly vocal, much of his statement was borderline incomprehensible because he couldn't stop crying like a little bitch:
"The only thing that disgusts me more then the crime that's been committed is the reaction from the general public. My child's life has been permanently altered, yet the discussion is focused on the intentions or merits of this famous athlete. What kind of country do we live in? This isn't some kind of game, it's the life of a human being and the way it has been dealt with publicly makes me want to punch the shit out of a kitten. Maybe that's out of line, but I don't care, I'm pissed and I won't stop until this famous athlete is condemned by the public for his inexcusable behavior. I promise, on my child's life, I will fight for justice until this extremely popular, successful and beloved athlete faces the proper repercussions for his actions."
While reporters were certainly sympathetic, the father's statement was met with a ring of "who cares" and "she probably deserved it," comments that almost certainly stem from a devout allegiance to the famous athletes current franchise. A great deal of the audience was troubled by the prominent display of significant human suffering, but just couldn't find it within themselves to jeopardize the success of their fantasy teams.
As expected, sponsors have dropped the famous athlete, claiming that his behavior does not comply with the practices and ideals of manipulating "dumb as shit" consumers with celebrity endorsements. In a brief statement distributed via email, the popular sports related company explained that their decision was probably permanent, but would definitely be refuted if the athlete played well enough to make the general public forgive his atrocious crimes against society.