Written by Don Merlot

Thursday, 21 October 2010

image for Ferguson Mad, Rooney Cow
"Daisy" - the latest signing for United?

Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has compared wantaway striker Wayne Rooney's yearning looks across the city towards Eastlands to those of a jealous farmer or bestiality enthusiast.

"Sometimes you look in a field and you see a cow, and you think it's a better cow than you've got in your own field."

Rooney has intimated his desire to leave Old Trafford, with rivals Manchester City the likeliest destination for the England striker.

Ferguson's nose glowed so red that it was just a jap's eye away from resembling a male appendage as he continued with the livestock analogy - saying Rooney may be able to "milk those sheikhs for all they've got", but:

"I've still got a cracking set of udders. And Wayne would do well to remember that it's suckling at my flabby man-teet that's made him the player he is today."

It is not the first time that prominent figures at Old Trafford have made animal-based poetic statements. Eric Cantona compared the cricus surrounding his time at United as like "seagulls following the trawler".

Former United boss Ron Atkinson is also on record as saying that Dwight Yorke "looks a bit like a monkey, but I can say that, coz I bloody love them sambos."

Ferguson attempted to end the press conference on a positive note though, returning to the bovine theme. He confirmed that the club are already in advanced negotiations to sign a replacement for Rooney.

The player is referred to only as "Daisy", leaving the assembled reporters to speculate whether it is the latest one-named young talent from Brazil, or possibly just a 25 stone fresian from a field in Cheshire.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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