No More Points for NFL

Funny story written by wrytir

Thursday, 10 July 2003

Washington, D.C., July 10, 2003 -- In a stunning move National Football League commissioner Paul Tagliabue unveiled a new plan on Thursday to do away with the existing point-scoring system.

The new ruling, effective immediately, aims at reducing excessive violence in the sport and promoting positive behavior among America's youth.

Tagliabue stated that the league's modest salary structure will remain in tact. Touchdowns, safeties and field goals will be awarded with individual and group "feel good" prizes. Awards range from key chains and koozies for well-executed plays to group anger management counseling and relationship building seminars for division and league champs.

Fans can expect an increase in "Player of the Game" designations. Up to 20 players may receive certificates in categories such as "Most Congenial Player," "Cleanest Post-Game Uniform" and "Prettiest (Natural) Teeth" among others.

League officials will drop all penalties for touchdown dances in the end zone as well. Players will not only be encouraged to celebrate, but will be judged by fans via the website. The most creative dances will be re-enacted during the Harpo Studios Super Bowl halftime show in January.

Bob Costas said of the new plan, "I see this as a good move for the NFL (and all sports). It's got potential to lower the high rate of recidivism among the league's many convicted felons, and minimizes the hurt feelings and bruised egos we so often see after a game. I truly hate to see those big lugs cry."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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