Written by Eddie French

Friday, 5 April 2002

TheSpoof can now exclusively reveal the long awaited changes to the dress code for this years Wimbledon tournament.

Along with the new dress code comes the revised rules for language etiquette during play.

Explosive expletives such as: "I don't F***ing believe it" and "You must be F***ing Joking" are banned from this year on.

Players are being coached in the new language of dispute. New phrases such as: "I Say, madam, are you absolutely sure about that" and: "What ho, chaps, stinker eh" are being repeated relentlessly by coaches during practise sessions.

It is hoped that the new rules will encourage players to concentrate on the game in hand instead of ever looking for that immortal sound bite which could be worth millions to the lucky utterer.

Major contenders are said to be furious about the changes and a number have pulled out of the competition in protest. A spokesperson for The All England Lawn Tennis & Croquet Club had this to say to our reporter at Church Road today: "Jolly good show what, spiffing, yah. Good dose of National Service's what's needed. Conscription, that's it. Bring back hanging, what?"

The new rules have also attracted a new breed of contestant to the competition.

One of the late entries, Sollie Inkswitch, who, you may remember, recently (wrongly) predicted the imminent coming of the Big Bang after spending 25 years locked in a pub in Cambridge drinking real ale and eating steak and ale pies with mushy peas, had this to say: "Champers 'n Totty, wink wink, nudge. S'right. That bloody net's a bit high innit?"

After loosing the television revenue promised by BskyB, when the sponsor suddenly refused to answer phone calls and locked up its offices, the All England Lawn Tennis & Croquet Club are now negotiating a new deal with the popular channel UK Gold platinum repeats.

TheSpoof will not be represented at the tournament this year.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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