NEW YORK, NY-Following his team's disastrous performance in the World Cup, French soccer star Thierry Henry has been demoted to minor-league club New York Red Bulls, news agencies with little to no actual knowledge on the matter report.
"This is a stunning move by France, sending Henry down to AA-ball," remarked ESPN anchor Bob Ley, who likely had never heard of Henry until the World Cup. "A remarkable rebuke to the entire French national team, to be sure."
Sporting outlets across the nation are reporting that Henry (whose surname has repeatedly been pronounced in standard English) had been dismissed from the majors as a result of the French national team's embarrassing show in the World Cup. The striker played only limited time in France's dismal 0-2-1 run, and many have speculated that the 32-year-old is likely in the twilight of his career.
"This is a difficult move for me to understand," commented NESN's Peter Gammons, who despite knowing nothing about the sport was nevertheless asked for his opinion. "Henry's performance for France, while certainly not the highlight of his career, does not, in my mind, entail an embarrassing demotion to a sub-par minor league squad."
The American sports media, which attempted to embrace soccer during World Cup action, has tried to remain on top of soccer news around the world despite having few qualified soccer experts, as well as in spite of the fact that the overwhelming majority of their target audience still could not give less of a shit.
"We are excited about Mr. Henry joining us here in New York," Red Bulls general manager Erik Soler told reporters outside team facilities. "However long or short his stay with us might be I'm confident he will serve as a mentor for our younger players and give the team a much-needed boost in publicity."
When asked what he felt Henry's role would be Soler responded, "We all know that Thierry is here to rehabilitate himself after a rough patch up in the big leagues. This will be a chance for him to relax a little, get his confidence back, and secure himself emotionally and mentally for a return to competitive ball."
"By the way, how did you guys find the place? We haven't had an actual reporter come here in years," Soler added.
Henry's demotion is eerily similar to that of fellow international star David Beckham, who was sent down to single-A club Los Angeles Galaxy in early 2007 following England's exit from the 2006 World Cup. Experts agree that time with the club was unkind to the midfielder, and was never the same upon returning to the majors.
"Frankly, a think a little time on the amateur circuit would be the best thing for Henry," remarked ESPN's self-styled "soccer expert" Glenn Davis, apparently no relation to the infinitely-more-interesting Boston power forward. "The debacle at the World Cup definitely put a strain on Henry that the public didn't see. I think some time away from the spotlight is probably the best thing for everyone involved here. It will be a good time for [Henry] reevaluate his goals and reflect on where his career will go from here."
While Henry could not be reached for comment, a press release by Henry's agent confirmed that France's all-time record goal scorer had in fact retired from international play to sign with the MLS team for a multiyear contract.
