Mashie Monster, Serial Killer, at Large in Saint Andrews

Funny story written by C. Cranium

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

image for Mashie Monster, Serial Killer, at Large in Saint Andrews
Possible murder weapon.

Saint Andrews Golf Course, Scotland. The serial killer named the Mashie Monster attempted to claim another victim last night but was foiled when the sprinkler system came on and his prey, a night grounds keeper, escaped. The drenched Mashie Monster attempted to chase his intended victim but gave up and disappeared into the night. But not before trudging through a bunker, that he raked as a courtesy to the next golfer or perhaps murderer. Police tracked the villain with dogs, but the dogs lost the scent when the trail went through a boarding kennel where a cacophony of barking shattered the late night silence. The Police Dogs forgot they were on duty when they realized there was an in-heat poodle sequestered somewhere at the kennel.

The Police have issued a statement that the perpetrator was definitely the Mashie Monster but are withholding details. A reliable source, who is sleeping with the police chief, relayed that something left at the crime scene was common in all cases. This is the first case outside the continental US, where the crimes span the country, and the first unsuccessful attempt the Monster has made. Perhaps the Monster is out of sorts because of the Scottish weather, or time zone differences.

Seven people have died at the hands of the Mashie Monster over an eleven-year time span. The modus operandi of the Mashie Monster is based on golf, and four of his seven victims have worked at golf courses in varied capacities, while the others were regular visitors of golf courses. Seven different golf courses have been the scene of the murders of both men and women. Each murder was done with a blunt instrument, something between a seven iron and sand wedge match up in forensics. The first victim was done in with an antique mashie club, one of scant few clues, that was discovered near the scene and gave the brute his name.

The mayor of Saint Andrews said, "Saint Andrews is safe as it always has been, especially for visitors who do not work at the golf course. Just in case lock up your antique mashie and niblet clubs. And for the visiting golfers and fans welcome to Saint Andrews, the site of the hundredth Open golf match, and home to many merchants who can satisfy that desire for things Scottish".

Police are keeping a vigilant eye out for suspicious individuals who match the description given by the grounds keeper. The description is an individual, man or maybe woman, between five foot six and six feet, weighting between one hundred thirty and two hundred pounds, and dressed in black with a black ski mask.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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